Ok, dexter's comment just put a smile to my face HA! cause it's rather odd sounding, maybe cause of the ! at the end.

Anyways, i think i shall just start with the dailies first, before the thoughts. anyways, today was an average day i guess. Mrs Chang didnt come to school cause of high fever, so sad... BUT! The bright side is we got xtra 1 hour 40 mins break!!! Hehehehe. oK, that was evil. after 1 hour 40 mins of break, was another 40 mins of break, adding up to a grand total of 2 hours 20 mins of slack time!! and i feel really guilty for not applying that time to good use. Sigh, wasted it la. Nothing much actually happened in lesson time. Although during phy practical I was emo-ing at the back of the lab. Felt so lethargic, no motivation to do anything at all. So I thought maybe I shall use muscle ache to overwrite the pain in my heart. In short: it worked. Hehe, I just stretched my leg out and applied pressure down much like a half-split. wow, the pain actually feels good!

After phy pract I sent lionel off to the bus stop b4 heading to library. The library's like a sauna la, all the air-cons spoilt and no air ventilation. Supreme heat wave. Climbed up the stairs to the study area and saw jon, becca, and jolene burying their heads in their arms. Sooo.. I went back downstairs and began hunting for a good book to read. I came across 1, "Overcoming Depression". Seemingly an interesting read, I took it and went upstairs, and set opposite jolene. Well, it was an interesting read to say the least, learnt alot about the difference between sadness and depression.

Think they rested until 3 30 b4 we headed down to test out recipe for our ice-blended coffee which we're going to sell next monday for fund-raising. Haha, the first one was too bland, but after a couple of tries, we managed to concoct something satisfying to all of us. Hope ACSians would liek it too XD. Albeit the coffee taste is not as strong as I would like it, but I would say it's good for an amateurish attempt haha.

ok here comes my thought of the day! Actually not today, my mind was kinda blank today, was ytd night but I was too lazy to post last night. What happens when you no longer understand yourself? That was what I was thinking last night. Recently so many things are happening, so many things just distracting me and clouding my senses I no longer know who am I. Identity crisis. what I thought would never happen well.. to say the least, did. well.. the youth olympic games is being hosted in singapore.. Anyway, I'm so confused I dun think I'm myself anymore. I no longer know what I'm doing, I no longer know what's my motive, heck I dun even know what I'm feeling anymore! Right now, I'm standing at a crossroad, and everyday that passes is pushing me to take one path. I still have no idea what I should do cause I've already lost sense of myself, what it means to be me. it's a scary thought thinking how ppl can change so suddenly. maybe its not quite a sudden change but an underlying change that only just surfaced when it has gained in strength. I'm not sure, I'm like a mixed person now, someone new, and yet retaining some of my past. but, my past is fighting with my present, and taht's wads causing my confusion.

anyway, i think if anyone even bothers reading, ur probably as confused as me right now after reading that haha. nvm, i think my decision now would be to continue waiting at the crossroad until i can no longer do so and am forced to choose one path. Ok, i think many of my friends who read this wun get wad I'm trying to say, but Glenn knows.

A thousand times I've failed, still your mercy remains.
Should I stumble again, I'm caught in your grace.

Ah.. the paradox within that line.. Figure out urself what's the paradox.. btw, this is not an attack on a christian song, in fact, its one of my fave christian songs.

I open my eyes I try to see but I'm blinded by the white light.
I can't remember how I can't remember why
I'm lying here tonight. And I can't stand the pain
And I can't make it go away. No I can't stand the pain.
How could this happen to me, I've made my mistakes,
GOt nowhere to run, the night goes on as I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life, I just want to scream
How could this happen to me
Everybody's screaming, I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I'm slipping off the edge, I'm hanging by a thread, I want to start this over again.
So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered and I can't explain what happened and I can't erase the things that I've done
No I can't
How could this happen to me, I've made my mistakes, got nowhere to run, the night goes on as I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life, I just want to scream, How could this happen to me

Girls are evil.
I think Dogs are angels sent from heaven to keep ppl happy. To love those who are broken.
Girls are evil, they appear so friendly to you. When they find out you like them, they do a complete 180. Does it matter that much? Having someone liking you will kill you?
I've lost faith in girls already. Can they be trusted? Before you say anything, stop, think twice, thrice. She may seem very friendly with you, you think ur rather close friends, can be considered good friends. Don't let that deceive you. The moment you admit liking her, that "friendship" turns to "fiendship". Of course, the girl would argue that it's like weird to be around with a guy that likes you if you do not have feelings for him. Well, think of it another way, he's been liking that girl for some time already, it's just SECRETLY. So, nothing much will change actually, just make clear your meaning, and you can still be friends. THere's rly no need for the 180 change of heart. I might be over-generalising here. But that's the feel they give me.
Feeling rly down today, maybe cause its V-day tmr. maybe. and cause of events today too.
Sometimes I want to ask God, why put me on this earth to suffer. i don't pity those africans, they live without feeling much pain and die. they die young, they dun experience as much pain as I would have to go through. sometimes i want to ask God, why not take me home. I'm so sick of this life.

Today's crosscountry. The event was ok, i decided to run. that's about it, didnt wanna slack. prob cause lionel didnt wanna slack, so i also run wif him. throughout the whole event i was trying to find her, but instead, i found glenn's. after the run, whilst at our bags, as luck would have it, lionel spotted her, and he pointed her out to me. and, i did the most dastardly thing ever, i did not even say hi though she walked by me. even acquaintances say hi. den later on we're supposed to settle down in our houses. i wanted to stay on with glenn, but TKK members were wearing orientation shirt and i was wearing PE shirt, felt like it was too obvious i don't belong there. i saw her glancing our way. i said to glenn, i think i go find my house, and walked away. i turned around after walking a few steps, she moved in and talked to glenn. that moment, was like the sky came crashing down on me, like a kunai spearing my heart, like falling down into a deathpit, like the light in my life shutted out (how ironic she mentioned sth along these lines a few years ago). that very moment, my heart was mixed with sorrow, a sorrow so dark it makes the depression a joke, and hate. a hate of all things, a hate of myself, a hate so intense it was burning me inside out. and i kept it all inside like a covered test-tube with rubidium added to con HCl.

so who's to blame? her? sometimes i do blame her, but after more thinking, rly, the only person to blame is myself. i was too aimless when i was younger. if from primary 1, i knew what i wanted, or at least primary 4. things would be different now, maybe. but because this path is now closed, the outcome known, whilst other paths were still open and unknown, it makes sense that i should wish i had taken the other paths. that i would turn around and retrace my steps and take a different path. why can't humans travel in the 6th dimension?

and as i type this, i realise how futile complaining is. just as how futile complaining about anything to the govt is. complaining gets you nowhere. just wastes your time. and yet people still enjoy it. like a pastime. like a hobby.

psychiatrist always say, let it all out, don't keep it bottled up lest it should erupt like mount krakatoa did in 1883. anyway, this post is coming to an end, with just one last message left,

GP SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The long chinese new year break is half-way over, quite sad actually, i wanted a long break, and esp since next week is a horrible weak for me. Swim PE on tuesday, Mass PE and cross country on Wednesday. Sigh, I feel horribly unfit now, stamina-wise. Too long never run already, and I'm always too lazy to go and run.

Festive seasons always make me emo, and this CNY is no exception. I wonder when will I start moving on and put the past all behind me. This year is A level year and I cannot afford to let my feelings hinder my studies. And right now that's exactly what it's doing. I hope I can prove myself in Terms and get all As. Or at least all Bs but it seems too far-fetched to me. I struggled through chem test and next monday would be Maths test. I'm not rly that worried for physics since I've been doing well for it. It's all about pulling up my grades for maths and chem. And the dreaded GP. I think I'm just not made to do GP, I am terrible at it. I think I shall just pray the A levels somehow come out one topic which I'm good at and the compre AQ is also of one topic i'm good at. If not, I'm sunk for GP. Nth much I can do about it.