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Archive for December 2008

the worst thing about your friends having gfs and you don't is that you end up 80% of the time alone. I can't believe how they can ps you like you never happened. unbelievable... What's more ludicrous is that teenage romance can't be counted upon and you're likelier to have you friends with you until you're old than your current gf. Yet, you treat them like rubbish ready to be discarded. i can't understand how people's minds work. speaking from a practical point of view, it would make much more sense to be paying more attention to your friends than a fling that would not last. i shall see how long they're gonna last, and maybe laugh at them after it ends.

next time if i meet new people and they want to be friends with me, i'll make sure they are either gay or are currently not attached, otherwise i won't bother wif another friendship that is doomed to fail. seems like a big waste of time.

kind of defeats the age old saying that you can count on your friends. another saying that is utter rubbish is that it is honourable to die for your country. that is like blatant propaganda and i can't believe people actually feel like they need to defend their country, and that their death mean sth. yeah, it means another number for historians to record. we are born anarchists, everyone for themselves. it's evident everywhere in society! like anyone cares for each other without expecting a reward in any way. maybe not tangible rewards but definitely, people only help others if they see some gain in it. nobody is going to help others which puts themselves at a disadvantage. if you do you're Jesus Christ.

but that's sidetracking, i can't rly be bothered with what others want to do with their lives, i only care about what i am going to do. currently living feels like a chore, and i am looking forward to the end. cause at the end, i'll be in a better place. no wonder life is always compared with a road, because its not the road that's important, it's just a passage to get to where you want to be. the end is what's important.

"we're all guilty of the same things. we think the thoughts whether or not we see them through. and i know that i have been forgiven, and i just hope you can forgive me too."

the novelty of computer games is running out, i don't know how much longer i can keep myself distracted..

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"He will be strong..."

Just a week plus away from my enlistment date, so close I could taste it. Am I anxious? Nope, not at all, altho I am kind of resigned to my fate of 2 wasted years. I'll gather my insufficiencies and place them in His hands, I believe He will carry me through and yes! I shall draw my strength from Him.

Can I be free of this unreleasable sin? You're telling me that there's no hope, I'm telling you you're wrong. I throw up my hands for the impossibilities. Fustrated and tired where do I go from here? Now I'm searching for the confidence I've lost so willingly. Overcoming these obstacles is overcoming my fears.

So.. it's been 4 years of rocky road and many a times, I nearly went headlong into a tree. I'm falling out of grace with the world. They say i've lost my midas touch what turned to gold now turns to rust. Every angle of my life covered with just another bandaid. And yet I'm here beyond shadow of a doubt that I'm never falling out of favour with you. I've been banging my head against the wall for so long it seems I've knocked it down. To experience the bittersweet. Why? Cause I struggle with forward motion. Every time I gain some ground I got to turn myself around again.

Actually, I wouldn't mind waiting forever, but the unknown is scary. Feelings are not helping either I mean, I've not known happiness for a long time already. Seems lost to me. Sigh, I'm still searching for it. And sometimes, I think, maybe I don't deserve happiness. Maybe I've done something horrible that it's no longer my privilege. But what could I have done.... Hopefully army can help me start anew, if it does I'll be grateful to it. I have to, by hook or by crook, get over this before I can move forward, procrastination is over, it's time to face the music. The consequences aren't pretty :(... It all depends how well I can take this, strength of will....

In any case, my heart can only take 1, so until I've erased the traces, I'm not ready. And it's still burning strong too, after such a long time. Almost 1/4 of my life... And I always thought I would not be able to like someone for so long... Ah well, at least now I know myself much more.

Okies, now for everyday updates!

Just back from Glenn's, Stayed over for 6 days 5 nights. That is one long time.. Haha, but was really fun!! And quite a number of people were there too. Brought my comp over so we could have LAN party. People who went were Ben, Me, Dexter, Ting Jun, Xuan Yang, Wen Pu, Cheng Yeow, and of course Glenn and George who lives there. Glenn's mom was also a good host, having so many guys over could turn the house upside down. We played into the wee hours of the morning like 6 am before sleeping. And also we talked about stuff that I can't even rmb lol, but really had a great time laughing along with them. Of course, WWP was the butt of jokes many a time. Those 6 days just flew by so quickly.. Time passes quickly when you're having fun! I learnt that fun =/= happiness. Even when I'm having fun, it seems there's a dark ominous shadow always enclosing my heart. Sometimes it can get suffocating. Guess that is what is called sorrow. Meh. If it was substantial I would gun it down! haha. Anyway, kind of sleepy now, incurred alot of sleep debt.

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