These few days events seem like a blur and it feels so unreal.. And yet, I can feel God's hand in this. It seems all my worries got dispelled almost instantly. However, now more worries have settled in, but nvm, spare the details.

I'm really grateful to Him, His promise is real, He will lead you out of whatever trouble you land yourself in. I should trust more in Him. In time, I believe He will provide me with everything I need.

Anyway, I got posted to PLAB, same place as dex. NUS and NTU have both accepted me already. Now I'm just waiting for Melb uni. I need to make full use of this, God has been ever so gracious. Going to church this sunday. I hope God, through His words, can help me through these trying times.

Ytd, before book-out, was listening to radio in the office. For once I hear a relient K song on 987 fm! They were playing Be My Escape. Then suddenly tears welled up in my eyes, I dono la, Relient K songs always touch my heart. That song rly tells how God is always there for you, no matter how deep a mess you got yourself in, He is the key to solve all your problems, so we need to trust in Him. Lucky no one in camp saw hehe..

This week past by quite un-eventfully. I miss school. I want to be studying again. Saturday went out wif TJ Dex and XY to watch movie at cineleisure. We wanted to watch knowing but in the end watched Fast and Furious because the there were no seats left. Sigh, nxt week then can watch Knowing. Fast and Furious was kind of... Ho-hum to me.. I think I'm just not into racing... And if i wanted to watch a show about wreckage and mayhem, transformers would be better.

Before the movie started, we went to play pool, TJ and I, XY and Dex. Quite fun la, playing wif friends haha, I think pool is just a game to socialise with buddies. I rmb last time I went with my class I was bored to tears. Not a nice thing to say but it's just what I feel.. ANyways, I sarbo TJ lose 2 games, sad.. First one we were winning by a large margin, den I accidentally hit the black ball in. ZZZ.. Last game cause we were rushing for time, movie starting soon. So I keep giving them free ball, end up lose. But, tis ok, friendly game anyway.

Sat was definitely the highlight of the week. Today I went to BPP on a mission. After that I went to Glenn's house to ka jiao him and jolene. but in the end I played on his comp for awhile den chatted wif him about army stuff. nth much, stayed there about 1 hr 30 mins. After that met my family for dinner.

Sigh, I've been feeling very tired these days. Both physically and emotionally. Mainly cause my soul is so tired that my body becomes lethargic. Sigh, I just want to lay down and rest already... 18 yet I feel like 80, waiting for death's embrace. I think my depression is setting in again... Funny how the psychiatrist can't see that I'm actually feeling depressed. I'm not supposed to feel this way, I've already talked myself into believing that time can solve problems, but I guess I'm too impatient. I keep telling myself to wait, endure this time, good things come to those who wait, yet i see around me, good things come all the time to people, why is it I can't seem to be happy...

I'm thinking of going back to church, hopefully God can help me. But I'm actually quite fustrated with Him. Sigh, oh me of little faith... Now I'm just praying He would take my life. I feel myself at a dead end again, with the walls closing in around me, sigh, I wish time would just stop. Anyway, life is so meaningless now...

I hate uploading photoes, period. Why isit so troublesome! Upload still need to link, sigh, not worth the effort considering I can't remember on which day I did what on my trip to perth.

This past 2 weeks I went out with my friends. Go to Funan to repair Dex's comp. First week people who went was WP TJ n dex. WP also needed to repair his computer, altho he did not manage to, they said they will contact him after they contact the manufacturer. TJ left us during the evening when we were walking down orchard road to meet Glenn. After which, b/c WP was rushing off to meet yvonne, we ended up eating KFC so that we can save time.

Yesterday went to Funan again to repair dexter's comp, only to find out that his motherboard has a power leakage and the only way is to replace it. So it was a wasted trip. We wanted to watch Knowing but timing sucks, and glenn was coming from east coast. sigh, change to nxt weekend watch. yesterday went to check out Astons b/c wp says the food there very nice. I think i agree, well, i didnt actually get to eat there, but judging by the throng of people waiting to enter, the food must be good. So we went kopitiam at plaza sing to eat. Following which we went to some hobby store tht sells swords. The swords are VERY COOL!!!! but they cost 300++ each. Anyways, saving up to buy frostmourne ($1244)!!! hahaha. Too bad it doesnt have the bluish glow it's supposed to have. So yesterday was an eventful day, and DARN tmr must go back to camp.

Sidenote: I TOTALLY FORGOT, saw a $1050 guitar with GREAT sound quality and very nice to play too. Darn, I considerng buying it now... ZzZ, why so EX :(

Finally PoPed.. Sigh, recently have been doing stupid stuffs and I have no idea why. My mood has also been going down, not good. I feel myself slipping into depression again..

I have no idea wad to do wif my life anymore, it just feels like nothings working. I really feel as though the world's against me and i'm rly tired of trying, i just wanna give up.

I really hate the regimentation in the army....

Today's my blog creation day AND Grace's birthday! So.. Happy birthday Grace!

Okies, today damn shag (strange since i'm not in camp!). Slept at 2 am but woke up at 6 30 am. Dono why I woke up so early, damn stupid la. I slacked around at home until 10 then I headed for BPP to meet siewling. SUppose to meet her at 11 but I decided to go earlier cause... guys shouldn't make girls wait. THen when I left my house le she Smsed me say she'll be late cause she just woke up soo.. when I reached BPP I went for a walk around the area. After that when she reached we headed for Swensen for icecream. She needed to go to her friend's place so couldn't stay too long, supposed to send her there but my sis arrived early at Lot 1 so I bid farewell to her and went for lunch with my sis. Did some shopping afterwards before going home for a nap.

Woke up in the evening cause relatives came over. Father's side this time, and we ate. Got to chat with my cousin about army, learn a few stuffs, but I still don't want to go OCS/SISPEC. After that nth much else happened today. Tmr's book-in at 1745.

I'm not supposed to blog about army! I don't know does it mean i cannot blog about what i feel. Craps....

Anyways, bookout feels really good, civi life is the life for me!

ANyways, i guess since i can't blog about army, there's rly nothing much to blog about, just that I LOVE SLACKING AROUND!!!! WOOOHOOO!!!!!

ok and HAPPY CNY PEEPS!

Heading off to my new life soon. Meh.

New year, new disappointments. Stop with it already..

the worst thing about your friends having gfs and you don't is that you end up 80% of the time alone. I can't believe how they can ps you like you never happened. unbelievable... What's more ludicrous is that teenage romance can't be counted upon and you're likelier to have you friends with you until you're old than your current gf. Yet, you treat them like rubbish ready to be discarded. i can't understand how people's minds work. speaking from a practical point of view, it would make much more sense to be paying more attention to your friends than a fling that would not last. i shall see how long they're gonna last, and maybe laugh at them after it ends.

next time if i meet new people and they want to be friends with me, i'll make sure they are either gay or are currently not attached, otherwise i won't bother wif another friendship that is doomed to fail. seems like a big waste of time.

kind of defeats the age old saying that you can count on your friends. another saying that is utter rubbish is that it is honourable to die for your country. that is like blatant propaganda and i can't believe people actually feel like they need to defend their country, and that their death mean sth. yeah, it means another number for historians to record. we are born anarchists, everyone for themselves. it's evident everywhere in society! like anyone cares for each other without expecting a reward in any way. maybe not tangible rewards but definitely, people only help others if they see some gain in it. nobody is going to help others which puts themselves at a disadvantage. if you do you're Jesus Christ.

but that's sidetracking, i can't rly be bothered with what others want to do with their lives, i only care about what i am going to do. currently living feels like a chore, and i am looking forward to the end. cause at the end, i'll be in a better place. no wonder life is always compared with a road, because its not the road that's important, it's just a passage to get to where you want to be. the end is what's important.

"we're all guilty of the same things. we think the thoughts whether or not we see them through. and i know that i have been forgiven, and i just hope you can forgive me too."

the novelty of computer games is running out, i don't know how much longer i can keep myself distracted..

"He will be strong..."

Just a week plus away from my enlistment date, so close I could taste it. Am I anxious? Nope, not at all, altho I am kind of resigned to my fate of 2 wasted years. I'll gather my insufficiencies and place them in His hands, I believe He will carry me through and yes! I shall draw my strength from Him.

Can I be free of this unreleasable sin? You're telling me that there's no hope, I'm telling you you're wrong. I throw up my hands for the impossibilities. Fustrated and tired where do I go from here? Now I'm searching for the confidence I've lost so willingly. Overcoming these obstacles is overcoming my fears.

So.. it's been 4 years of rocky road and many a times, I nearly went headlong into a tree. I'm falling out of grace with the world. They say i've lost my midas touch what turned to gold now turns to rust. Every angle of my life covered with just another bandaid. And yet I'm here beyond shadow of a doubt that I'm never falling out of favour with you. I've been banging my head against the wall for so long it seems I've knocked it down. To experience the bittersweet. Why? Cause I struggle with forward motion. Every time I gain some ground I got to turn myself around again.

Actually, I wouldn't mind waiting forever, but the unknown is scary. Feelings are not helping either I mean, I've not known happiness for a long time already. Seems lost to me. Sigh, I'm still searching for it. And sometimes, I think, maybe I don't deserve happiness. Maybe I've done something horrible that it's no longer my privilege. But what could I have done.... Hopefully army can help me start anew, if it does I'll be grateful to it. I have to, by hook or by crook, get over this before I can move forward, procrastination is over, it's time to face the music. The consequences aren't pretty :(... It all depends how well I can take this, strength of will....

In any case, my heart can only take 1, so until I've erased the traces, I'm not ready. And it's still burning strong too, after such a long time. Almost 1/4 of my life... And I always thought I would not be able to like someone for so long... Ah well, at least now I know myself much more.

Okies, now for everyday updates!

Just back from Glenn's, Stayed over for 6 days 5 nights. That is one long time.. Haha, but was really fun!! And quite a number of people were there too. Brought my comp over so we could have LAN party. People who went were Ben, Me, Dexter, Ting Jun, Xuan Yang, Wen Pu, Cheng Yeow, and of course Glenn and George who lives there. Glenn's mom was also a good host, having so many guys over could turn the house upside down. We played into the wee hours of the morning like 6 am before sleeping. And also we talked about stuff that I can't even rmb lol, but really had a great time laughing along with them. Of course, WWP was the butt of jokes many a time. Those 6 days just flew by so quickly.. Time passes quickly when you're having fun! I learnt that fun =/= happiness. Even when I'm having fun, it seems there's a dark ominous shadow always enclosing my heart. Sometimes it can get suffocating. Guess that is what is called sorrow. Meh. If it was substantial I would gun it down! haha. Anyway, kind of sleepy now, incurred alot of sleep debt.

Well, A Levels are over and I'm not exactly happy. In fact, I was happier before it was over. Life was so much more meaningful then. Everyday I would wake up thinking, yes! more stuff to study! gogo meet my expectations! So pumped up... Now I wake up and I feel soo.. listless.. Would be apt to compare my life now to a zombie. Lifeless.. heh.. anyways, prom's just around the corner and i have not gotten any stuff. too lazy to get of my bum to go shop for clothes. today went wif glenn n dex n the 4P3 peeps. Shirts costs 200+ dollars.. daylight robbery... its just a piece of cloth -_-.. Okie, so i didnt get anything n im back to square 1.

However, im not that worried. Worst come to worst, AC shirt plus jeans and i'm good to go. Only worry is that its too informal and they dun let me in.. Anyway, these past 4 years were.. crazy.. emotionally.. i've had more ups and downs than the stock market and more depressions than a malaysian road. 2 months. and i was suicidal. now i'm faced with 2 years. quite possibly a lifetime. i don't know how i'll ever survive it. and army is quite possibly the worst place you could be in to go cuckoo. you know, firearms and all. i shalt need to draw plenty of strength from God. hope God can see me through what i foresee to be the toughest challenge in my life. make it past this 2 years, and my life would be smooth sailing. relatively at least. this would most definitely be the biggest hurdle. alrightey then, i shall muster every ounce of courage i have and forge on. pray for me ya :D.

i actually made a promise to myself, post happy stuffs! no more emo-elmo stuffs. but then, that wouldnt be wad i'm feeling would it? and the purpose of a blog is to record all your feelings so years from now you can read it!! actually, its a diary, but im too lazy to write.. think.. Geog essays and GP essays.. *shudders*..

Okay then, have yet to emo, which is a good sign, afterall, its almost 2 weeks!!! YES!!! That is like... 25% through!!! as in 25% of 2 months heheh.. But I believe i'll make it through this time.. i have to... or i'll end up 6 feet under. >.<||

Okie, read from books and from shows that start every day with a positive thought. Think of all the things you are thankful for, and thank God for it. Then start your day feeling good. When bad things happen, pay not a heed to it, think of wonderful things. pretty soon it would become a habit and you'll always have good days because of the Law of Attraction. Yep, practising that now. To start, i shall post a list of things i'm thankful for.

1) Having God in my life
2) Having a stable family with good income
3) A roof over my head, a solid education
4) Being able to meet the most wonderful person in my life
5) Totally fit and all senses intact.
6) Able to experience this wonderful world God has created
7) Quite simply, God

yep, focus on the positive. well then, hope everyone has a good life! i know glenn does lol.. and rmb that nothing can get you down, unless you allow it to! so don't go blamin everyone and everything but yourself. On the other hand, do not blame yourself too much, just know it was your fault, and DO something about it.

A levels is almost here GASP.. survive the first week and it's cake haha..

sigh, i nv experienced wad its like to feel burnout, and now, i feel the fringes of it oh no... I'm gonna need every ounce of strength i have, and more, from God. FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!!! Tis the last last last lap.

"Let us run with perseverence, the race set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, author and perfecter of our faith" - Hebrews 12:2

the future may seem scary, but i believe the Lord will walk me through to the end of my days, as He will always be faithful.

"You cried wolf, the tears the soaked your fur, the bloodrip from your fangs, you said what have I done. You loved that lamb, with every sinful bone, and there you wept alone, your heart was so contrite. You said Jesus please forgive me of my crimes. Sanctify this withered heart of mine. Stay with me until my life through. And on that day, please take home with You."

Great imagery.. I think it's a rly powerful reminder of God and His love, and I always tear when I listen to this part from Deathbed.

NEways, haha hope life picks up for me.

it's been really long since I last updated.. Months hahaha.. always feel too lazy to update, and my JC life isn't exactly very exciting.. well, A levels are approaching and I'm feeling the squeeze. I need my daily strength drawn from Him, and i am rly v sad that school is coming to an end..

A great deal of things have been happening around me lately, and I seem to be left out of all the festivities. Suffice to say I'm deeply saddened with the changes and I rly do feel so left out. Everyone is really moving on now and yet I still am living in yesteryears.. The reality of the A levels struck me it's true, but the reality of my friends moving on has just hit me way too hard.. Altho right now A levels is my number one concern.

Anyway lately i've been doing some manhunting. the background is that back in PAE, i left a deep regret. it was after this math lecture, and i was packing up my stuff to leave. den there was this girl who was same clan as me during orientation but we never spoke to each other. she and her friend came up to my row and stood on the side. i was sitting quite far back. i got up and went out by her direction, and as i neared her, she said "Hi". at that time i thot she was talking to someone behind me, so i did not reply at all. so i just ignored her and went down the stairs. but halfway down i decided to look back up, and there she was still standing there but she was looking straight at me. thats when i realised she was talking to me just now, but i was too embarrassed to go back up to reply, so i just went out of the LT. my regret is not that it could have been a BGR, but i feel that having the courage to come up to an absolute stranger to say Hi is very commendable, and I should not have dao-ed her.. it was just a really mean thing i did and i sure hope it did not have an adverse impact on her.. i think friendliness should be spread.

but enuff of that, i doubt i'll b able to find her again.. and then again, it would b damn awkward.. but rly, i think i'm becoming alot better as a person now. like wad was said in chapel, people grow through tribulations. i know that God would not give me a mountain too high that I cannot surmount. i just wanna fulfil the potential i have within me, whether my love life is gonna suck or not. it's the least i can do with the talents God has provided me with.

Updates on Bintan OCIP coming up soon.. well, as soon as i get the photoes haha! I wanna post wif photoes :P.. Hope it would turn out fine.. Anyway, I feel so guilty for not starting my mugging plan. Shimatta!!

Help! Next week is one crazy week! Monday math test, Tuesday chem test + NAPHA test, Friday SPA skill A. NOOOOO!!! Next week is really test week. Sigh..

Here I am at 11:36 trying to do my math tutorial -.-||. Amazing, usually at this time I'm either ZZZ-ing or playing my computer. SIgh, tmr must mug like crazy. And I lack the motivation to do so.. AND I'm still worried for my NAPHA, my pull-up for some reason became very crappy, my 2.4 also.. Oh and my standing broad jump. Basically everything.. I don't even know why i deproved so much. Can't believe last yr i did 7 and 11:21 respectively. Sigh.. I guess I can only make it through next week through God's grace and His strength. The icing on this cake of doom is the following monday I have (drum rolls) NS HEALTH CHECKUP! ZZZ... That's 3-4 hours down the drain to inefficient way of handling the checkup.. ZZZ.. What a great way to waste my monday.. I hate you, National Service, and I hate you, MoD. What a wonderful world it would b if there isn't NS..

Hooray, my thumb is slowly recovering! FINALLY it does not look so swollen. And got my new spectacles too! So there's still reason to rejoice in life! Ok so weird that getting a new pair of spectacles is reason to rejoice, lemme rephrase it, be joyful about the simple things in life. Like wad KSL said during geog lecture, often it's the simple things that you neglected and now lost that will make you sad. We should just enjoy our day to day moments in ACJC for this is our very last year in ACJC. Though Mrs chan said we will never truly graduate, but it's just never the same as actually being a student in ACJC. I know I will b rly sad when I graduate from ACJC. I've met some great people there, had loads of fun, and I spend more time in ACJC than at home! Yay for 2SB2 haha!

Truth be told, I wanted to make an emo post, BUT it turns out I'm not emo at all!!! Haha!!

I would like to borrow strength that You could lend, to keep my head above the water and not descend back to where I said I'd never go again. I can't do it on my own strength, I'm already feeling so tired just preventing myself from being emo. I have to keep forcing myself to be happy. If I feel so tired, I can't study, sigh..

And I just wanna get mugged at knife point, to get cut enough to wake me up. Cause I know that I don't wanna die sitting around watching my life go by. And what we take from this is what we'll get but we haven't quite figured it out just yet. BEcause all of us are all too stuck, stuck to a chair watching our lives blow up.

I think I need to do something crazy. I should just live like there's no tomorrow. Haha I think I'm really cursed XD.. I know I'm capable of alot of things, if only I apply myself to it. Maybe O levels ain't a good guage haha, 9 points without studying is good I guess. Promoting with ABBCE studying 1 wk beforehand is also good I think. And I'm very sure I have a split personality HAHA! Anyway, I wish I was never born haha. And it amazes me how I can shut my mind to girls and instantly lose feelings. Cool man. Yeah, I guess its good to be an iNtuition Feeling, good inner world XD. Creative yep!! That's why I'm gonna make a breakthrough in science next time!

I don't even know what I'm typing but random thoughts that are popping inside my head. Yay, maybe I have manic depression!! Cool. I always thought what it would be like since the symptoms just seems so cool. Bipolar disorder haha. I shall not emo! Though I do not have the strength, the Lord would lend me His strength, and I believe I will not b emo!! WOots! Yay, I believe I have strong endurance. I bet other people commit suicide already! See, I'm still alive and well MUHAHAHA!!! I should congratulate myself more often, gives me morale to fight on yay. I guess girls make good friends but not partners haha. Dogs make the best partners. I shall buy a dog after my NS. And I shall leave my millions for it! And of course I'll burn the rest. I will NEVER donate money to the poor! NEVER NEVER NEVER! Cause I hate humans. They can die for all I care. It's going to be all about ME ME ME from now on. MUHAHAHA! We live in a world where individual is the most important! Lala, I feel so excited to go to uni, I wanna learn so many things. I think I'll just spend my life learning, taking degree after degree haha. So much to learn so little time.

i think i know why i like Relient K songs so much, and it's cause I feel it's a reflection of my life. It has been like my inner voice, and i'm always wishing that my life would b as the song ends, since it usually ends with an inspirational message.

can you help me out with my chemistry?

they cut me deep and bled me dry until there was nothing left to bleed. And this is how I choose to live, as if I'm jumping off a cliff.
I keep trying to pick myself up and then move on. I think about the life I'll have when this fragile one is gone.

the very thing that I hate more than everything is the way I'm powerless to dictate my own moods. I've thrown away so many things that could have been much more. And I just pray my problems go away if they're ignored. when I go down, I go down hard, and I take everything I've learnt and teach myself some disregard.
I've thrown away the hope I had in friendships.

What's the purpose? It feels worthless. So unwanted like I've lost all my value.
Sometimes I think that I'm not any good at all. And sometimes I wonder why, why I'm even here at all.
I spent it convincing myself the world's doing just fine without me

I don’t want nothing to hurt me. I had no idea where my head was at, but if my heart says I’m sorry can we leave it at that? Because I just want for all of this to end
And I so hate consequences, and running from you is what my best defense is. God, don’t make me face up to this. And I so hate consequences, and running from you is what my best defense is. cause I know that I let you down, and I don’t want to deal with that.
All of my escapes have been exhausted. I thought I had a way but then I lost it. And my resistance was once much stronger and I know I can't go on like this much longer.

why is it so hard to have someone to console me everytime i'm feeling down?

i do that for my friends, i always hope they would notice i'm not feeling well, at the end of the day the only consolation i got was from my dog.

i think wad i really want is recognition. and right now, i feel it coming only from my dog which is like an alterego since.. my dog is.. a plushie.. i don't know how many times i can pick myself up from the ground any longer.

why is it so unfair? i'm sympathetic to other people, and yet they don't seem to be reciprocating. why can't i just be someone else? my personality type just does not suit me. everyone i consider a close friend have cut me deeply at least once. everyone important to me have left their scar on my heart. and i'm bleeding. i'm bleeding.

i just want to fade away now. i feel it's hell on earth. rain brought joyous cheers to farmers and to me it's as though the sky is crying. the world around me is crying. trying to drown me in its sorrows. why am i so pessimistic? i used to tell myself i can make it, i just need to put in effort. now i just feel i'm a failure in everything i do. i don't even want to try anything anymore. i wish i can go skiing and have a ski accident. my emotions are like a roller coaster filled with highs and lows. bipolar.

Ok, dexter's comment just put a smile to my face HA! cause it's rather odd sounding, maybe cause of the ! at the end.

Anyways, i think i shall just start with the dailies first, before the thoughts. anyways, today was an average day i guess. Mrs Chang didnt come to school cause of high fever, so sad... BUT! The bright side is we got xtra 1 hour 40 mins break!!! Hehehehe. oK, that was evil. after 1 hour 40 mins of break, was another 40 mins of break, adding up to a grand total of 2 hours 20 mins of slack time!! and i feel really guilty for not applying that time to good use. Sigh, wasted it la. Nothing much actually happened in lesson time. Although during phy practical I was emo-ing at the back of the lab. Felt so lethargic, no motivation to do anything at all. So I thought maybe I shall use muscle ache to overwrite the pain in my heart. In short: it worked. Hehe, I just stretched my leg out and applied pressure down much like a half-split. wow, the pain actually feels good!

After phy pract I sent lionel off to the bus stop b4 heading to library. The library's like a sauna la, all the air-cons spoilt and no air ventilation. Supreme heat wave. Climbed up the stairs to the study area and saw jon, becca, and jolene burying their heads in their arms. Sooo.. I went back downstairs and began hunting for a good book to read. I came across 1, "Overcoming Depression". Seemingly an interesting read, I took it and went upstairs, and set opposite jolene. Well, it was an interesting read to say the least, learnt alot about the difference between sadness and depression.

Think they rested until 3 30 b4 we headed down to test out recipe for our ice-blended coffee which we're going to sell next monday for fund-raising. Haha, the first one was too bland, but after a couple of tries, we managed to concoct something satisfying to all of us. Hope ACSians would liek it too XD. Albeit the coffee taste is not as strong as I would like it, but I would say it's good for an amateurish attempt haha.

ok here comes my thought of the day! Actually not today, my mind was kinda blank today, was ytd night but I was too lazy to post last night. What happens when you no longer understand yourself? That was what I was thinking last night. Recently so many things are happening, so many things just distracting me and clouding my senses I no longer know who am I. Identity crisis. what I thought would never happen well.. to say the least, did. well.. the youth olympic games is being hosted in singapore.. Anyway, I'm so confused I dun think I'm myself anymore. I no longer know what I'm doing, I no longer know what's my motive, heck I dun even know what I'm feeling anymore! Right now, I'm standing at a crossroad, and everyday that passes is pushing me to take one path. I still have no idea what I should do cause I've already lost sense of myself, what it means to be me. it's a scary thought thinking how ppl can change so suddenly. maybe its not quite a sudden change but an underlying change that only just surfaced when it has gained in strength. I'm not sure, I'm like a mixed person now, someone new, and yet retaining some of my past. but, my past is fighting with my present, and taht's wads causing my confusion.

anyway, i think if anyone even bothers reading, ur probably as confused as me right now after reading that haha. nvm, i think my decision now would be to continue waiting at the crossroad until i can no longer do so and am forced to choose one path. Ok, i think many of my friends who read this wun get wad I'm trying to say, but Glenn knows.

A thousand times I've failed, still your mercy remains.
Should I stumble again, I'm caught in your grace.

Ah.. the paradox within that line.. Figure out urself what's the paradox.. btw, this is not an attack on a christian song, in fact, its one of my fave christian songs.

I open my eyes I try to see but I'm blinded by the white light.
I can't remember how I can't remember why
I'm lying here tonight. And I can't stand the pain
And I can't make it go away. No I can't stand the pain.
How could this happen to me, I've made my mistakes,
GOt nowhere to run, the night goes on as I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life, I just want to scream
How could this happen to me
Everybody's screaming, I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I'm slipping off the edge, I'm hanging by a thread, I want to start this over again.
So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered and I can't explain what happened and I can't erase the things that I've done
No I can't
How could this happen to me, I've made my mistakes, got nowhere to run, the night goes on as I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life, I just want to scream, How could this happen to me

Girls are evil.
I think Dogs are angels sent from heaven to keep ppl happy. To love those who are broken.
Girls are evil, they appear so friendly to you. When they find out you like them, they do a complete 180. Does it matter that much? Having someone liking you will kill you?
I've lost faith in girls already. Can they be trusted? Before you say anything, stop, think twice, thrice. She may seem very friendly with you, you think ur rather close friends, can be considered good friends. Don't let that deceive you. The moment you admit liking her, that "friendship" turns to "fiendship". Of course, the girl would argue that it's like weird to be around with a guy that likes you if you do not have feelings for him. Well, think of it another way, he's been liking that girl for some time already, it's just SECRETLY. So, nothing much will change actually, just make clear your meaning, and you can still be friends. THere's rly no need for the 180 change of heart. I might be over-generalising here. But that's the feel they give me.
Feeling rly down today, maybe cause its V-day tmr. maybe. and cause of events today too.
Sometimes I want to ask God, why put me on this earth to suffer. i don't pity those africans, they live without feeling much pain and die. they die young, they dun experience as much pain as I would have to go through. sometimes i want to ask God, why not take me home. I'm so sick of this life.

Today's crosscountry. The event was ok, i decided to run. that's about it, didnt wanna slack. prob cause lionel didnt wanna slack, so i also run wif him. throughout the whole event i was trying to find her, but instead, i found glenn's. after the run, whilst at our bags, as luck would have it, lionel spotted her, and he pointed her out to me. and, i did the most dastardly thing ever, i did not even say hi though she walked by me. even acquaintances say hi. den later on we're supposed to settle down in our houses. i wanted to stay on with glenn, but TKK members were wearing orientation shirt and i was wearing PE shirt, felt like it was too obvious i don't belong there. i saw her glancing our way. i said to glenn, i think i go find my house, and walked away. i turned around after walking a few steps, she moved in and talked to glenn. that moment, was like the sky came crashing down on me, like a kunai spearing my heart, like falling down into a deathpit, like the light in my life shutted out (how ironic she mentioned sth along these lines a few years ago). that very moment, my heart was mixed with sorrow, a sorrow so dark it makes the depression a joke, and hate. a hate of all things, a hate of myself, a hate so intense it was burning me inside out. and i kept it all inside like a covered test-tube with rubidium added to con HCl.

so who's to blame? her? sometimes i do blame her, but after more thinking, rly, the only person to blame is myself. i was too aimless when i was younger. if from primary 1, i knew what i wanted, or at least primary 4. things would be different now, maybe. but because this path is now closed, the outcome known, whilst other paths were still open and unknown, it makes sense that i should wish i had taken the other paths. that i would turn around and retrace my steps and take a different path. why can't humans travel in the 6th dimension?

and as i type this, i realise how futile complaining is. just as how futile complaining about anything to the govt is. complaining gets you nowhere. just wastes your time. and yet people still enjoy it. like a pastime. like a hobby.

psychiatrist always say, let it all out, don't keep it bottled up lest it should erupt like mount krakatoa did in 1883. anyway, this post is coming to an end, with just one last message left,

GP SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!