She doesn't like me... Yeah, actually I kinda know it.. But found from my friend that its true, another friend say he can see that she dun like me.. Then my friend said thats why he ask me give up, but.. If you give up, you will never get what you want. I mean, then might as well I give up on my whole life now. My whole FUCKING FUCKED UP life. I realli h8 my life. It sux. Totally. But you don see me doing it. Cus I still believe I can turn it around. Make it worth living. I guess this is the reason why I like computer games so much, that I can go hours without food and water and rest. It's cus I HATE my life. Comp games are the only way I can escape from it. Maybe when I start liking it I will stop playing games. If I were to commit suicide, I would do it like those Koreans, play comp games until I die, at least I die in an imaginary world rather than as suxy me. This seems inappropriate a thought considering my birthday just passed. We celebrate birthdays because we welcome the future. For me, what future is there? Study for what? I'm studying cus I wanna know what JC life is like, what University life is like, what army life is like, what owning things feel like. After that, I can die and I don care. But before I die, I will burn all my money. Either that or give it to someone worthy of it. Actually, to my friends who maybe think I'm extravagant wif the way I spent my money (Ya, on the mouse), its simply I have no use for money at all. I mean, a dead person has no use for money right? Yeah, and I'm dead, or half dead. Only my physical being is left, the spiritual me is dead. It only exists in computer games now.... I can't wait for NWN 2, then I can escape into a fantasy world, and perhaps never come back. I'd sooner face dragons and trolls than face my fucked up life.

I changed my blogsong, but the lyrics totally doesnt describe what I feel. I didnt receive any "sweet love" at all... And I have no one to lean on... But I just like this song, for the tune.. Maybe a better song that describes my feelings is "Tonight I wanna cry" by the same singer as the one who sang my blogsong.

I hate putting up a facade. But if I just be who I am, I will soon have no more friends. She and I are just like worlds apart. I can't even think of a similarity between us. Other than we are both in the same school and are of the same age.

Now I'm getting the thought, why can't I be born someone else? Why do I have to be me? It's not fair, some people just have the life, yet I'm like shit. Some people get what they want, why isit I can't? Some people have looks, why isit I don't? Some people have the IQ, why isit I'm so stupid? Some people have an amazing character, why am I so sucky? Some people have talents, why isit I'm just average in everything? Why can't God just make me someone else, like Junno. Why does He have to make me me. I wouldn't mind being as myself now if only I have a mutant power like super fast healing, super strength, Lightning speed, control nature...

I rmb she said my world is dark because I can't see the light of my life or something like that. I absolutely agree with that, my world is so dark that I am walking blindly through it. It's so dark that I can't see the end of the tunnel, the end of the dark ages. So my life will probably be dark all the way, so I'll just be walking blindly through it for the rest of my days. Aimless.