I tried to convince myself that I no longer have feelings for you. I thought I had succeeded, but how wrong I was. Walked past you this morning, saw you glancing my way. I don't know if it was imagined or you did glance my way. In that instance my heart skipped a beat. That horrible feeling like the ground beneath your feet suddenly gave way and you're falling. This shouldn't happen. This should be 2 years ago and last year stuff. I think I can't lie about my feelings. They are still there and I know it. The shyness is still there, I still get fidgety when I see you, whether you saw me or not. I try to ignore you but this constant nagging thought keeps forcing me to look towards you. You did a reverse polarity in my life once, and I'm still reeling at its effect.

I'm weird. Everytime I see you online, I want to talk to you, yet I don't know what to say. I would open the chat window, and stare at the frosted glass, willing words to appear miraculously. In the end, the only thing I see is the background and that ominous flashing line, as though challenging me to type something.

I know you have your own life and I really should be going on with mine, leave the past behind me. Believe me, I tried that. Just blindly forge on, feeling my way as I round every bend. Everytime I imagine you with another guy, I get this... feeling.. Not jealousy.. Rather, this tsunami of grief and regret. I still try to laugh, smile, be a total ass, yet behind this paper-thin facade, I'm just breaking apart. Sometimes I feel so alone, like there's no one in this world but me, empty streets, empty buildings, empty sky, an empty world. I can't describe that gloominess that stills my heart everytime that happens. Like watching a movie in black and white, with still images of broken windows, bare trees, and the wind picking up leaves from the ground and tossing them in the air. The shutters of the windows bang ominously everytime I see you. The skipped beat of my heart like a sudden flash of lightning that disturbs the grey stillness of the picture.

Everyone seems to be moving on with their lives, only I'm stagnating in this mire. I try to lift my leg, the pitch black tar-looking substance holds me to my position as I watch the backs of my peers. Your back. The harder I struggle the deeper I sink, so all I can do is just stay there and wait.

What really is the true meaning of bliss? Haven't felt that in a long time. Haven't had the feeling that everything in my life is going smoothly, the feeling that life is a bed of roses. And then I try to console myself, 99.9% of people do not get their first love. And I thought, why can't I be that 0.1%?

Then I thought to myself, does it have anything to do with my attitude? If I had been more aggressive, would the outcome be any different? Given the circumstance, I think not, it will probably achieve the effect of making you dislike me even more. To the point of avoidance. Though sometimes I can't disagree that you are avoiding me. Or it could be pure imagination. I'm full of it. When life isn't what you expect it to be, you turn to your imagination to create one that is what you wanted it to be. In this sense, I think I'm blessed to have a mind capable of rendering 3D images and not just still images but motion picture and the ability to shut out reality all in the whim. Simply put, I can stone anywhere I want anytime I want and just live my life in my imagination. Wouldn't it be nice?