Today's Grace's birthday! Happy Birthday Grace :)! Also, it's the 3rd anniversary of my blog! Time sure flies, 3 years have past in a blink of an eye. This year is my final year in the Singapore education system. Though I hate it, but it's still sad that I'm about to graduate from it.

I like going to school somehow, makes me feel my time is well-used and not wasted doing pointless stuff. I shall slowly morph into a mugger, need time to get used to mugging, right now I can only go about 1 hour maximum doing my work. Short concentration span haha. I'm quite unhappy with myself again today. I still don't have the courage to say "Hi" to her even though I pass her in the hallway. Like why am I so shy? So just lost 1 chance like that. Rly want to b friendly, and not just ignore her whenver I see her. Sigh, I also lost a chance yesterday. Even aquaintances say "Hi" when they see each other. Sigh, nvm, what's done cannot be undone. Time only goes in one direction and never flows in the other way, unless u can understand and enter the 5th and 6th dimension den i nothing to say.

Sigh, feeling quite low again today.

I've made a habit of never making promises. But there you have it, now I make you one that is to keep you here with me. 'Cause every second that goes by I feel it's just a waste of time, if I'm not with you. If home is where the heart is then my home is where you are. But it's getting oh so hard to spend these days without my heart. So I'm taking you with me, anywhere that I could ever wanna be. For the rest of my life, I want you there with me. And if there ever comes a time, when I should have to leave, I hope you know that I, I'm taking you with me.

Yesterday is not quite what it could have been, as were most of all the days before. But I swear today, with every breath I'm breathing in, I'll be trying to make it so much more. 'Cause it seems I get so hung up on the history of what's gone wrong, and the hope of a new day is sometimes hard to see. And though I'm finally catching onto it, and now the past is just a conduit, and there light there at the end is where I'll be. 'Cause I'm on the up and up, I'm on the up and up. And I haven't given up, given up on what I know I'm capable of. And I'm on the up and up, and there's nothing left to prove. 'Cause I'm just trying to be a better version of me for you, a better version of me for you.

Grace's birthday and my blog's 3rd anniversary is coming up soon!

I always feel like going out but nowhere to go and no one to go out with. Staying at home is too boring for me.. Sadded, the drama I'm watching now is ending in 2 episodes! Oh no, now I have nothing much to do on my computer.. Anyway, just after I watched one episode which ended with the guy saying something v touchy, I closed the window and I saw my MSN screen, and my eyes focused immediately on her nick. Strange that suddenly I felt as though a sword just plunged through my heart. Sigh, what's more I've been feeling rly down for a month already. Depression I think. In addition, my stomach has been complaining for about a week already. Everyday feel pain. My mom thinks it's cause couple of weeks ago I drank alcohol on an empty stomach and somehow damaged it. But I didn't rly drink alot either, and there are so many ppl who do that on empty stomachs. Sigh, and I dread Mass PE. Wednesdays are my most hated days now, at least until Mass PE is over. The good thing abt mass PE is that it's the only time where my mind is too exhausted to think of her. Haha. If I don't think of her, I don't feel sad and helpless. But other than that I HATE mass PE. Can't wait for Term 1 to be over and Mass PE GONE FOREVER!

Sigh nothing much to blog about, I want to go out now but nowhere and no one to go out with. And don't want to go to Queensway with WP and Glenn cause I don't like going to Queensway.

i learnt sth new today, ice cream helps to stop the sorrow within your heart from exploding. Ate one whole cup of minty goodness, and after that I felt better. It's like ice cream freezes your heart so u can't feel anything, and that feeling is rly good. I know its psychological but after eating the ice-cream my heart felt so chilly and comfortable. Or the cavity that held my heart.

see, my heart is with someone else, and to quote from relient K, "It's getting so hard to spend these days without my heart". why do i feel so insecure? if i had the courage, i would walk up to you, talk to you. i am so tired of living. if ms lim ever remarks "you tired of living ah" to me, i'll answer "yes!". cause i don't lie. i'm willing to lay my life down for her.

we're all born with a purpose in life, but i rly wonder what's mine. to b sad and then die? what am i supposed to do with it? i'm not lying when i say i'm rly tired. it's nt just rly tired, it's like i've never slept for 17 years kind of tired, i just want to spend every moment sleeping. for the next 17 years. and when i wake up everything would seem like a dream. and then i'll continue with my life with her as a fragment of my dream.34 years old isn't that late to start living right? no matter how long i sleep, i just want to sleep even more. and my heart feels like it's bounded by chains with 200 tonnes weight holding it down. so down i can't lift my spirits. weird that i only weigh 52 kg considering how heavy my heart feels.

cause i was born to love you
cause i was created to love you
cause i exist to love you
cause you are all that i am
my heartbeat my breaths

they say the world revolves around the sun
but my world revolves around you
every moment, every day


there's so many adjectives in the english dictionary, and yet i can't find one that can describe my feelings. The limitation of languages, no word powerful enough to convey emotions.

Dear Diary

I thought I would be strong, I thought I would be able to accept it, never knew it'd hurt this much. Saw her and a guy together today after school, and lionel told me the guy recently broke up with his gf, he thinks, but maybe it's not what I think, maybe they're just doing homework together. But, if they're really together, I think I feel happy for her. Yep, he's definitely a great guy, at least looks-wise, definitely better than me. I think, they're quite compatible. So, maybe, it'll help me get over her.

Dear Diary

I'll try not to let it hurt too much. But such things can't be controlled. I'm rly afraid it shows in school, rly do. I'm so afraid my eyes would start perspiring in school. I'm so tired, rly diary, I'm so tired, I just want to sleep and never wake up. Will she remember me? I remember when people asked me what I'm waiting for I used to reply for the sky to fall down. I want to lay down and wait for the sky to fall. When you're lying down, the sky seem so much nearer, so near you could stretch your hand out and touch it.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right
I hope you have the time of your life.....

You are my friend
Ah, you still remember the dream we had that day don't you?
You are my dream
Ah, We'd just gotten started, you're my long lost friend
Woah, it's time to get moving

Everyday, lit up by the shine ahead
I wanna see you, light my soul on fire
But now, we've bid goodbye to the fun days
To be the future, I'll try to take over, and that's why I'll dream on

I'd go the distance
gazing at the sky so full
I am just now starting
To use my greatest power, full tilt

You are my friend
Ah, you still remember the dream we had that day don't you?
You are my dream
Ah, we just got started, you're my long lost friend
Woah, it's time to get moving

Thank you my friend
Ah, I haven't forgotten what happened that day
You are my dream
Ah, next time I'll protect you my way
Woah the distance

STATUS: Debuff, all actions -2X stamina, reduce spirit to 0.

I'm getting abit sick of this blogskin, and no blogskins online that's nice enough for me to coup, so i guess i'll just have to mod this one. Sigh, just no time to do it only..

sigh, i rly wanna be hardworking this year, and yet i'm still v slack, tutorials take so long to do, and i still have holiday homework not finished!

i rly want to see how much more of this torture i can take before i finally breakdown. they say the human spirit is easily broken, how true it is. i feel half a person already.

i think emotion is the bane of people. emotion creates problems and escalates existing ones. i can't think of one benefit emotion brings. i wish i'm emotionless.. i wish i am a flirt too, then i'll feel better. i won't be holding on for so long. and i wish, i wasn't such an extreme pessimist. haven't try i think die. sigh. actually i blog cause i got nth to do on my comp sigh........

suddenly my tagboard is alive again o.0...

school barely started and i'm buried knee-deep in homework (exaggeration). gosh, why am i suddenly faced with MATHS tutorial and CHEMISTRY tutorial? 2 of my least favourite subjects sigh. luckily, i'm almost done with chem, which is due tomorrow, and it's 8 43 pm on a sunday. hmm. great. nvm, i've always survived not doing hw.

felt so totally scammed today at sakae sushi (on no fault of theirs except a rather misleading BUFFET signboard outside their store).

i went with my "gf" (ahem ahem) to sakae sushi (if it ain't obvious). surprise surprise, there was a long queue outside (wait, long queues=buffet right?), since i wanted to eat sushi, so we decided to wait. when it was our turn, we went in and the waitress gave us menus. however, we began taking plates off the conveyor belts cause we thought it was buffet. after about 8 plates, i had a sneaky suspicion that there was no buffet cause... everyone else was ordering food. so i asked a nearby waiter and he said "no buffet on weekends". gosh, so we ordered 2 ramen and the bill was $43 OUCH. sigh, that's 10 dollars more than what i spend if i go to pizza hut!!!

i think i wun be touching sushis for awhile.... right now i just wanna eat korean food.... from korea of course, not SG fake-o korean food. currently watching another K-drama, Blissful Woman. the premise for watching it is... my fave actress is the lead actress :D. that's pretty much why i watched it :P. she's just soooo cute. but now, i find that the story is rather nice too, so its actually rly enjoyable to watch, what is not enjoyable is the extremely long load times. sigh, but one must feel contented that it's even available online right? sadly singpore has not imported the DVD, or maybe bcos the dubbed version is not out yet. patiently waiting for it now, and waiting for Love in Heaven price to drop, $100++ is too expensive.

felt abit bad today, cause i lashed out at my dad again. he was helping me vacuum my room but when he was vacuuming under my desk, he hit the wires too hard and my comp crashed in the midst of loading the drama, and.. i chased him out of my room. gosh feel so bad... i dono why but im always so abusive with my dad and i hate myself for doing it. ok, my aim this year is to be more patient when i'm on my comp, since my mom has always pointed out when i'm playing games my temper gets realllllyyyyy short. kinda weird to me cause my temper has always been reeeaaallllyyyy good and it's not easy to make me angry. just irritated sure but not angry. on a sidenote i hate smiling at people i detest, yeah, u know who u are if i smile at you XD XD. joking.. but ya, i hate smiling at people i detest. annnddd, i hate smiling though i feel absolutely rotten inside. which is most of e time rly.. was talking with glenn abit two days ago, and he said he thinks i have depression. possibly, i think i have depression too, but i don't wanna see a psychologist (irony!! i wanna be one!).

i fell sick on the first day of school and hence skipped it. and now, i'm still recovering from it. everytime my mom brings medicine to me, i can't help but think to myself, it's not my body that needs it, it's my heart. why aren't there medicine that heals the heart? like why can't i cast repairo and my broken heart becomes anew again? i still don't know how long would it be before i can remove myself from the shadow of her memory. there isn't a moment when i'm not thinking of her save when i'm playing my comp. which is actually the reason i keep playing my comp, it acts as a repressive drug, it numbs me and stops me from thinking about her. i wish science can develop a drug that causes selective amnesia, wouldn't it be nice?

Ah, the first post of the new year, we've grown yet another year and it's a fresh start once again.

Sigh, new years always make me emo. I don't like reflecting, because reflecting means to look back on oneself and think of what you've done, however, every time I look back at myself, inevitably I'll think of the future, which to be honest, would be almost identical to the past. I haven't changed much. I've witnessed changes in the people around me, some rather drastically, others more subtly. I still feel the same old me, the me from sec 3 looking at the posting results after streaming, the me from sec 3 rushing home after the last bell, the me from sec 4 during the musical, the me from sec 4 slacking b4 the O levels, the me in PJC during PAE, the me mugging 1 wk b4 the Promos, in other words, if it isnt obvious enough, I didn't change.

There's a saying, when you're young, you can't wait to be an adult, when you're middle age, you are too busy to even care, when you're old, you start living on your memories of the past. Already I feel myself dwelling in times long gone, I don't have anything to look forward to and every day just seems like what it is literally, a day. I feel I lack the zest for life, I don't even feel like I'm living. It's more of existing. You live with an aim in life, be it to top your school, to go to a certain prestigious university, you need a goal in life. I don't even have 1, or rather, the goal I have is unattainable. Pretty much means I have no aim in life (Hence the feeling of existence).

I dun understand myself. I know I should not like her, yet I am still in love with her, I know there would not be any outcome, and yet I cannot erase her from my memory. Do you, any of you, even understand the bitterness and pain that's within my heart? I doubt so, not anyone I know, can even imagine the emotional pain I went through. You don't know what it's like to cry for hours on end. You don't know what it's like to wake up in the night sobbing your heart out. You don't know what it's like to lose faith in life. If only, you could be me for one day, just one, and feel just what I am going through, maybe I'll feel better, at least someone can empathise with me. Inevitably, some of you may think I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, come on, I'm just 17 right? Why make it sound like the end of the world? It's just a crush, you'll get over it, it's only temporary, it's only puppy love. If you even have thoughts like these, you don't know me, you absolutely don't know me. Science have proven Passion phase of love, meaning CRUSHES and puppy loves only lasts up to 2 years. Well, 3 years have passed and into the 4th. My feelings for her have not lessened. I still feel the same emotional trauma I felt in sec 2. I keep trying to convince myself, that I'll be fine being alone, that I'll be fine not having a life partner, that it's totally alright to die a bachelor, but I just can't help but feel rly disheartened and everytime I think of it, nvm..

I once had an absurd thought, since IQ is a measure of brain age over actual age, could it be that my IQ is so high that my brain is like that of a 28 year old man. Well, that's absurd, of course.

My heart, I'm rly sorry, I'm rly sorry, it's still going to hurt somemore. Maybe after crying, I'll feel better. I finally realise, the only person to wipe my tears, would only be myself. Even though it's going to hurt even more, I need to, I must leave you. When you're by someone else's side, could you think of me sometimes? You have always been on my mind in every waking moment.

It's going to be another long night... I'm rly need someone now...