Ah, the first post of the new year, we've grown yet another year and it's a fresh start once again.

Sigh, new years always make me emo. I don't like reflecting, because reflecting means to look back on oneself and think of what you've done, however, every time I look back at myself, inevitably I'll think of the future, which to be honest, would be almost identical to the past. I haven't changed much. I've witnessed changes in the people around me, some rather drastically, others more subtly. I still feel the same old me, the me from sec 3 looking at the posting results after streaming, the me from sec 3 rushing home after the last bell, the me from sec 4 during the musical, the me from sec 4 slacking b4 the O levels, the me in PJC during PAE, the me mugging 1 wk b4 the Promos, in other words, if it isnt obvious enough, I didn't change.

There's a saying, when you're young, you can't wait to be an adult, when you're middle age, you are too busy to even care, when you're old, you start living on your memories of the past. Already I feel myself dwelling in times long gone, I don't have anything to look forward to and every day just seems like what it is literally, a day. I feel I lack the zest for life, I don't even feel like I'm living. It's more of existing. You live with an aim in life, be it to top your school, to go to a certain prestigious university, you need a goal in life. I don't even have 1, or rather, the goal I have is unattainable. Pretty much means I have no aim in life (Hence the feeling of existence).

I dun understand myself. I know I should not like her, yet I am still in love with her, I know there would not be any outcome, and yet I cannot erase her from my memory. Do you, any of you, even understand the bitterness and pain that's within my heart? I doubt so, not anyone I know, can even imagine the emotional pain I went through. You don't know what it's like to cry for hours on end. You don't know what it's like to wake up in the night sobbing your heart out. You don't know what it's like to lose faith in life. If only, you could be me for one day, just one, and feel just what I am going through, maybe I'll feel better, at least someone can empathise with me. Inevitably, some of you may think I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, come on, I'm just 17 right? Why make it sound like the end of the world? It's just a crush, you'll get over it, it's only temporary, it's only puppy love. If you even have thoughts like these, you don't know me, you absolutely don't know me. Science have proven Passion phase of love, meaning CRUSHES and puppy loves only lasts up to 2 years. Well, 3 years have passed and into the 4th. My feelings for her have not lessened. I still feel the same emotional trauma I felt in sec 2. I keep trying to convince myself, that I'll be fine being alone, that I'll be fine not having a life partner, that it's totally alright to die a bachelor, but I just can't help but feel rly disheartened and everytime I think of it, nvm..

I once had an absurd thought, since IQ is a measure of brain age over actual age, could it be that my IQ is so high that my brain is like that of a 28 year old man. Well, that's absurd, of course.

My heart, I'm rly sorry, I'm rly sorry, it's still going to hurt somemore. Maybe after crying, I'll feel better. I finally realise, the only person to wipe my tears, would only be myself. Even though it's going to hurt even more, I need to, I must leave you. When you're by someone else's side, could you think of me sometimes? You have always been on my mind in every waking moment.

It's going to be another long night... I'm rly need someone now...