Every time I look at you, it is your silhouette that I see. And that silhouette diminishes, and then vanishes from my sight, leaving me at a loss, with grief in my heart. Every time you walk into the room, I dare not look. It is always your back that I see....

I won't talk
I won't breathe
I won't move
till you finally see
that you belong with me
you might think
I don't look
but deep inside in the corner of my mind
I'm attached to you
I'm weak
it's true
cause I'm afraid to know the answer
do you want me too?
cause my heart keeps falling faster
I've waited all my life to cross this line to the only thing thats true
so I will not hide
it's time to try anything to be with you
all my life I've waited
this is true
you don't know what you do
every time you walk into the room
I'm afraid to move
I'm weak
it's true
I'm just scared to know the ending
do you see me too?
do you even know you meant me!
I know when I go
I'll be on my way to you
the way that's true

Shut myself from this world, be apart from it... I feel so tired... Today go Bethany Home again, to do CIP. Pushed the old folks to Lot 1 den walk walk shop shop. Nth much actually, but just some funny things happen. I didn't know Jin Zhe so gay!! Haha, Ong also!! Keep cracking jokes.. Den come home, sleeeeepy like mad. I feel like laying down to slp, but tmr got geog test, zzz... Actually, nth else to post, my life is boring...

What is not meant to be will never be. Fate playing games with me again. Gonna write a message in code.

19.20.15.16...2.18.5.1.11.9.14.7...13.25...8.5.1.18.20

If you really wanna know den have fun figuring it out. It's an IP add!!

Not that I did not expected it, but ya, was kinda disappointed, but there is nothing I can do, and I dun intend to fight for it. I can't. And I won't. Hope he have fun. No sarcasm. Then, my heart got hurt again today. Rly, stop destroying my soul. Was quite ok until WP had to tell me sth else. But, I guess knowledge is still better, not that I did not expect it.

Heartbroken
Like glass my heart broke
But you had to step on the pieces
Fragmenting it further
Now there is no repair
You are still treading on them
Ever compounding them
Once broken, things can never be whole
Just as how my heart is now.

This is just a reminder: I VOW NEVER TO LOVE ANOTHER GIRL, NOT UNTIL I DIE.

I cannot stand another heartbreak, like you know how when things are broken you have to be extra careful with it, further subjecting it to torture will ruin it further into eternity? Such is the case of my heart. I shall store it in a cold hard metallic box and seal it away. It will NEVER see the outside world again. It will NEVER be subjected to such torture again. It will remain safe and secure.

~Fuunin No Jutsu~

Destroyed
The expression on your face
Says a thousand words
Your actions and movements
Destroys me faster than Nuclear
You wrecked my soul
Torn it asunder
Spreading it to the great nether
So now its lost and cold
I will never again behold
The beauty of living
But instead I learn
The bane of living
Death seems better
Living is bitter
Existing is my state now
Like any inanimate object
I am merely existing

Cannot think of a title, so I decided not to put a title. Been 5 days since I last posted. I keep putting things off, so irresponsible. At least this would be a summary of wad happened in the past 5 days plus my thoughts.

Basically, nothing happened. This I mean over the weekend. The weekend was boring as usual. But I played a new game called Card Shuffle, which is like Yu Gi Oh, where you summon monsters from cards and attk your opponent. Each opponent have life points. Start of the game u can pick your deck. My personal fav is hybrid of fire and light. SO imbal. Get two token of heaven and 2 fireball and ur enemy is toast. Then there is this REALLI irritating card that prolongs the game until it becomes boring called Armeggadon. It's effect? Destroy ALL monsters on the field. That is like restart the game all over again. And its in the omega deck, which I picked sometimes. Den I prolonged the game for 30 mins? Everytime enemy flood us wif monsters I activate it. Lol.

Since I landed the "Prince" role in the musical, no one have said anything encouraging to me, except TJ. So... Thanks alot TJ!! Wanna know wad he said? He said treat this as a chance, since I get to dance with Grace and sing the "Beauty and the Beast" theme song with her. So he said that take this as a chance to get to know her better and maybe she will know me better. Example, find out I am actually NOT a good dancer and I am absolutely LAZY. LOL!!! Then again, Jordan haven't go audition, so dunno if I will get to keep the role. If I dun, oh well. Some things are just not meant to be. Then it rly seems as though Fate is once again toying with me.

Monday have musical training, but since I am not involved yet, I did not do anything but watch them trying to act out Act 1 Scene 1. It was comical when they made mistakes. And the director also added sarcastic remarks at their mistakes. Den cus I have nth to do, I finished my work in the place and den reached home nth to do. Almost, but my mom helped me borrow the "Beauty and the Beast" movie for me to watch. So I took it and watch. It is sooooo nice, and touching. I feel like buying it liao. But... What will ppl say when a 16 yr old boy walks into a Video store buying a Faerietale movie? Inference #1: I am KIDDISH. Inference #2: I am desperate. Inference #3: I just got dumped. Lol, I definitely do not want ppl to infer these 3, the one I want ppl to infer is "Hey, the movie is so nice that it can make a teenager buy it!"

Today is Tuesday, and frankly, today was kinda sucky. Why? VLee stormed into class dumped 2 Fuhua pass yr papers for us to do, plus test corrections. OMG. I just finished my Fuhua paper. He said finish one by tomorrow, the other by the following day. Nvm la, treat it as practise, speed practise! Den later I had to go Bethany Old Folks Home as I volunteered to be a helper, and... Grace was in my group!!! Today was more of orientation. We had to learn how to wash our hands properly, so we wun haf germs on our hands. Lol, so troublesome. Den later is the fun part, we get to play wif wheelchairs!! WHEEE!!! Each person take turn to sit and push. I prefer the sitting. DUh, who dun. But I dun like the wheelchair becus when you hit a bump, the whole thing vibrate, make ur butt pain. Den later we had to interact wif the old folks. This was the WORST part, why? Cus I dun speak a SINGLE dialect. How to interact..... Somemore onli a handful speak chinese. So hard to interact. Den when my fren ask qns, the person keeps misintepreting the qn and answer sth else, much to our -.-. Lol, it was pretty comical, cus the ENTIRE group dunno dialect. WAHHA, so when the person ask wad dialect u speak? All of us stare at him wif the kind of look that suggests "Huh, dialect?" NEways, it was a rather unique experience for me and I have to return for 9 more wks. Ooooookayyy.... NTh else to post... Oh, one last thing, another girl praise me!!!! Dun say whooo... Woots, me feel so happi nowz.... Lol, conceited I am... ^.^

Be careful what you wish for, you might just get it...

I dun know. Shud I keep the role? Is it for the best? Anyway, I believe Jordan will get it. Good luck to him. Like this Grace happy, can liao. And he is 188, so... Closer to Eugene's height of 184. Me leh, 160. So short. I want to grow taller, but no hope, my parents both short. So I inherit short genes. In fact, I second tallest in my family. My sis is 162. No hope. My puberty is over.

Why did God create me only to destroy me... It's so cruel...

Am I a joker? Everyone treats me as one. Ok, so I am. I may seem I do not care. Well. I don't. In school. I only start caring when I reach home. So dun think wadeva bad comments there are abt me I dun care. I just seem to. I think I am pretty much transparent. Pple just laugh at my jokes. Other than that I dun think I exist at all. My birthday... No one remembers it, my immediate relatives onli. My frens, most do not rmb at all. Until I tell them. Everyone in my class gets Happy Bday songs when its their bday. Me? For nine years I received none. I just want to be well-liked I guess. That's why I keep being a joker. Make pple laugh, release tension. Den wad... Ppl laugh and forget. And den I become transparent again.

If I jump down. No one would have noticed I was gone. Even when I was sick. No one noticed. Like once I fell sick and then went to school nxt day. They were like "You never come school yesterday??" Maybe I shud start being a bad boy. Get into all sorts of trouble. Maybe then pple will start noticing me. Like Tiger. "Aiya, you again!" My parents only care about my results. No one cares about me. Not even God. I think I am just a forgotten file in the system.

This is a poem I thought of last minute.

My teacher used to say to me
You need to have dreams to be somebody
Now I can see
It's all just bullshit
The fear of failing
Keeps us from trying
"We fall to succeed"
It is also bullshit
When we fall
We keep falling
"Hope brings fulfilment"
Get real, it brings disappointment
We leave our mark in the sand
Only to be erased by the coming tide
Almost as soon as we make that stand
Hope not for tomorrow
For tomorrow promises despair

sick and tired of this world.. THere's no more air.. Trippin over myself going nowhere Waiting Suffocating No Direction and I took a dive...

Today was one super boring day. The dreary weather did not help to lighten things up either. Lessons were boring as usual, the first period was taken up by Science Quiz. So boring. Public Speaking was fun though. I talked abt things that I like. And I scored 8/10!! Today the Sec 4 received their O level results. This year my school did quite well. Their results are gonna be tough to beat. Haiz. And den the Sec 4s are made to stay back to watch the whole ceremony, which used up like 3 hours of time. Not that I would be doing much if I went home. I go home den felt SOOOOO bored. Glenn dun wanna play DotA and I had nothing else to do. Den I suffered frm Depression for awhile. Wonder why I never get mania. Always depression. Today didnt even get to cycle. Stuck at home is not my idea of relaxing. Plus tmr have piano lessons. 1 hr ++.. BORRING! And den not to forget A maths hw, Chi hw, EW.. ZzZ.. Enuff to make me feel bored for the weekend. Also, Glenn's internet connection seems to be having some problems. When he host games it is SOOOO laggy. Another thing that "Aided" my depression was I did not manage to land a role in the upcoming musical. Initially I did not care. Wonder why suddenly I care so much. I rather not care. Its making me feel so depressed. I want to talk to someone. But no one to talk to. End up I on my music and sing songs to ease the depression. Sing until I cry. So hug my dog and try to sleep for awhile. After resting felt better, but i was still VERY bored. ABSOLUTELY nothing to do. Today must be my WORST friday EVER. No doubt about it. And this would probably be my WORST weekend EVER. I pray I can struggle through this week. Suddenly the prospect of an upcoming holiday does not seem so happy after all. I might even be happier going to school. Since this year is an all important year, I MUST buck up. Mug up all the topics I lost out on last yr due to laziness. ESP A maths. My A maths is VERY weak. I just dun understand. I do SO much exercises. EVERY one of them VLee gives. I EVEN finish them ON TIME. Dun know anymore. WHy am I so stupid. Why am I so useless. Why am I even born. Why am I made to be tortured. I dun want this anymore. I HATE this life. It is SO freaking USELESS. I am useless. I think this has to do with my lost of dreams. Last time I used to dream every night... Now... I dun even dream anymore. I think my subconcious mind already lost faith in dreams. Dreams are but dreams and are never meant to be made into reality. For those whose dreams indeed become reality. Good for you. And I envy you. I guess I will remain an insignificant person at the bottom of the social ladder. My social ladder has lost all its rungs and I cant climb to the top. Someone pls add them back.... Pls.......

Screwed it. Totally screwed it. Darn, I wanted a role in the musical. Let me recount what happened. We were supposed to read a short paragraph from a script, describe yourself in one word, and then think of a song you wanna sing, and then dance. The worst part, dance. I am an elephant when it comes to dancing. Clumsy, no sense of balance. The reading was my BEST part. Since I just treated it as oral, and my oral is normally v high marks. I topped the class in Sec 1, dunno about Sec 2. But I think I got pretty high for Sec 2 too. The singing. I wanted to sing True Light, but hear Marcus sing My Love, so I sang Loneliness Knows Me By Name. But before that, describe myself in one word. I thought for a full minute, cus I dun rly talk abt myself or even care. End up I said I was Boring. And the director was funny, he said Den how are you going to marry??!! So I simply replied, I dun intend to marry, I wan to be a bachelor. Well, the singing totally sucked. Why? I am in choir and I sucked? Simple, I have a VERY bad sense of keeping my cool. I get freaked out easily. So that guy sitting in front of me assessing me was freaking me out. The song came out all shaky, but WP said I was in tune, + side. Of course I am in tune, I've been singing that song for so long. And I am living that song. NEways, I thought of what I shud haf described myself. Lonely. But I did not think of it. NEways, if i said that, he wlda thought I wanted the role and purposely describe myself like the beast, since he is also lonely. Den he will think I am a hypocrite. Which is actually NOT true. Well, I AM lonely. But nv crossed my mind. Glenn described himself as cheerful. Best description ever. Fitted him exactly. And wen pu said he was a genius. LOL!! Den the Director gave the incredulous look. If only I practise singing On The Way Down by Ryan Cabrera ytd. I wanted to sing that song too, but dun know enuff. Nice song. Den the dance. I had to ask the instructor to repeat it twice cus I cldnt rmb the steps. Den I was SOOOO bad that she asked me to do it 4 times!!! OThers do one time can liao. Me leh, 4 times. Cus I suck v badly. Haish, my hopes of getting a role is dashed. GG. I wish I can do it again.

Loneliness

Left in a world on my own
Only left with a shell
Nothing will ever be shown
Everything vanished as I fell
Light is a thing of the past
Instantly killing my soul
No one there has last
Endless pain and sorrow
Slowly I’m dying
Singing the melody of death.

Nice poem? This is written by my sis. What a poetic genius. Sigh, I wish I was not so lazy and can do more constructive stuff. Actually, this is all I wanna post. Haha.