I lead such a sad life.. Sometimes, I just wish I have the courage to end my life. Why. My life is just full of pain, disappointments, rejections, dejections. I got rejected by the only girl I have ever loved. My results are crap. My parents refuse to buy Heroes 5 for me. Why is my life.. So meaningless. So pointless. So useless. Worst of all, so painful.

I wish I were gay. If I were gay, I wouldnt have loved you. If I were gay, I would literaly be happy. If I were gay, I would be much closer to my friends. If I were gay, I would have much fewer problems.

I wish I had the courage to end my life. If I had the courage, all my pain would have ended. If I had the courage, I wouldnt be suffering in silence. If I had the courage, all my problems would have solved. If I had the courage, lots of people would have been happier.

Why? Why can't it be like it was, before.... Why can't I be like a primary school kid anymore? Why am I so corrupted, and so detestable. Why? I hate myself. I hate myself now. The "I" in my future hates my present now, and my present now hates my future "I". Who I am in the future would surely be like who I am now. Who I was is lost in time. I want so much to be who I was.

Shangri-La ni akogarete... (I yearn for paradise)

In my fading conciousness, all I could think was: Someone, tell her that I will be late. But I will surely get there, so please wait for me.

Dareka kanojo ni tsutaetekure yo, hoomu no haji de matteru hazu sa. Chotto okureru kamoshirenai keredo, kanarazu yuku kara soko de mattero yo.

Unfortunately, I know when I get there, there will be no one there. Just me, and an empty place.

I wonder how many of you feel this way. Not alot I bet. Everyone around me seems to be having a good life. Then why am I suffering this way? Was it what I done in my previous life? Was I a terrorist? Or maybe Adolf Hitler? Or was I Stalin? What did I do to deserve this? Or was I John Wilkes Booth? I dun see why is my life so horrible.

I look at Kat-Tun, and I feel that I am very sad. Those guys are so handsome, and talented in dancing and singing. Me? I'm ugly, untalented, stupid, lazy. I dance like an elephant and sing like sandpaper rubbing against each other.

Someday, I may just have the courage to end my life. But I can only hope for such a day. Or hope for a day where my life takes a better turn. But that day will come later than the day I have the courage to end my life. Or maybe never. For I bet I sinned alot in my previous life so I am suffering so much now. And just so I cannot have the easy way out by killing myself, God makes me too cowardly to end my own life.