Grace's birthday and my blog's 3rd anniversary is coming up soon!

I always feel like going out but nowhere to go and no one to go out with. Staying at home is too boring for me.. Sadded, the drama I'm watching now is ending in 2 episodes! Oh no, now I have nothing much to do on my computer.. Anyway, just after I watched one episode which ended with the guy saying something v touchy, I closed the window and I saw my MSN screen, and my eyes focused immediately on her nick. Strange that suddenly I felt as though a sword just plunged through my heart. Sigh, what's more I've been feeling rly down for a month already. Depression I think. In addition, my stomach has been complaining for about a week already. Everyday feel pain. My mom thinks it's cause couple of weeks ago I drank alcohol on an empty stomach and somehow damaged it. But I didn't rly drink alot either, and there are so many ppl who do that on empty stomachs. Sigh, and I dread Mass PE. Wednesdays are my most hated days now, at least until Mass PE is over. The good thing abt mass PE is that it's the only time where my mind is too exhausted to think of her. Haha. If I don't think of her, I don't feel sad and helpless. But other than that I HATE mass PE. Can't wait for Term 1 to be over and Mass PE GONE FOREVER!

Sigh nothing much to blog about, I want to go out now but nowhere and no one to go out with. And don't want to go to Queensway with WP and Glenn cause I don't like going to Queensway.

i learnt sth new today, ice cream helps to stop the sorrow within your heart from exploding. Ate one whole cup of minty goodness, and after that I felt better. It's like ice cream freezes your heart so u can't feel anything, and that feeling is rly good. I know its psychological but after eating the ice-cream my heart felt so chilly and comfortable. Or the cavity that held my heart.

see, my heart is with someone else, and to quote from relient K, "It's getting so hard to spend these days without my heart". why do i feel so insecure? if i had the courage, i would walk up to you, talk to you. i am so tired of living. if ms lim ever remarks "you tired of living ah" to me, i'll answer "yes!". cause i don't lie. i'm willing to lay my life down for her.

we're all born with a purpose in life, but i rly wonder what's mine. to b sad and then die? what am i supposed to do with it? i'm not lying when i say i'm rly tired. it's nt just rly tired, it's like i've never slept for 17 years kind of tired, i just want to spend every moment sleeping. for the next 17 years. and when i wake up everything would seem like a dream. and then i'll continue with my life with her as a fragment of my dream.34 years old isn't that late to start living right? no matter how long i sleep, i just want to sleep even more. and my heart feels like it's bounded by chains with 200 tonnes weight holding it down. so down i can't lift my spirits. weird that i only weigh 52 kg considering how heavy my heart feels.

cause i was born to love you
cause i was created to love you
cause i exist to love you
cause you are all that i am
my heartbeat my breaths

they say the world revolves around the sun
but my world revolves around you
every moment, every day


there's so many adjectives in the english dictionary, and yet i can't find one that can describe my feelings. The limitation of languages, no word powerful enough to convey emotions.

Dear Diary

I thought I would be strong, I thought I would be able to accept it, never knew it'd hurt this much. Saw her and a guy together today after school, and lionel told me the guy recently broke up with his gf, he thinks, but maybe it's not what I think, maybe they're just doing homework together. But, if they're really together, I think I feel happy for her. Yep, he's definitely a great guy, at least looks-wise, definitely better than me. I think, they're quite compatible. So, maybe, it'll help me get over her.

Dear Diary

I'll try not to let it hurt too much. But such things can't be controlled. I'm rly afraid it shows in school, rly do. I'm so afraid my eyes would start perspiring in school. I'm so tired, rly diary, I'm so tired, I just want to sleep and never wake up. Will she remember me? I remember when people asked me what I'm waiting for I used to reply for the sky to fall down. I want to lay down and wait for the sky to fall. When you're lying down, the sky seem so much nearer, so near you could stretch your hand out and touch it.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right
I hope you have the time of your life.....

You are my friend
Ah, you still remember the dream we had that day don't you?
You are my dream
Ah, We'd just gotten started, you're my long lost friend
Woah, it's time to get moving

Everyday, lit up by the shine ahead
I wanna see you, light my soul on fire
But now, we've bid goodbye to the fun days
To be the future, I'll try to take over, and that's why I'll dream on

I'd go the distance
gazing at the sky so full
I am just now starting
To use my greatest power, full tilt

You are my friend
Ah, you still remember the dream we had that day don't you?
You are my dream
Ah, we just got started, you're my long lost friend
Woah, it's time to get moving

Thank you my friend
Ah, I haven't forgotten what happened that day
You are my dream
Ah, next time I'll protect you my way
Woah the distance

STATUS: Debuff, all actions -2X stamina, reduce spirit to 0.

I'm getting abit sick of this blogskin, and no blogskins online that's nice enough for me to coup, so i guess i'll just have to mod this one. Sigh, just no time to do it only..

sigh, i rly wanna be hardworking this year, and yet i'm still v slack, tutorials take so long to do, and i still have holiday homework not finished!

i rly want to see how much more of this torture i can take before i finally breakdown. they say the human spirit is easily broken, how true it is. i feel half a person already.

i think emotion is the bane of people. emotion creates problems and escalates existing ones. i can't think of one benefit emotion brings. i wish i'm emotionless.. i wish i am a flirt too, then i'll feel better. i won't be holding on for so long. and i wish, i wasn't such an extreme pessimist. haven't try i think die. sigh. actually i blog cause i got nth to do on my comp sigh........

suddenly my tagboard is alive again o.0...

school barely started and i'm buried knee-deep in homework (exaggeration). gosh, why am i suddenly faced with MATHS tutorial and CHEMISTRY tutorial? 2 of my least favourite subjects sigh. luckily, i'm almost done with chem, which is due tomorrow, and it's 8 43 pm on a sunday. hmm. great. nvm, i've always survived not doing hw.

felt so totally scammed today at sakae sushi (on no fault of theirs except a rather misleading BUFFET signboard outside their store).

i went with my "gf" (ahem ahem) to sakae sushi (if it ain't obvious). surprise surprise, there was a long queue outside (wait, long queues=buffet right?), since i wanted to eat sushi, so we decided to wait. when it was our turn, we went in and the waitress gave us menus. however, we began taking plates off the conveyor belts cause we thought it was buffet. after about 8 plates, i had a sneaky suspicion that there was no buffet cause... everyone else was ordering food. so i asked a nearby waiter and he said "no buffet on weekends". gosh, so we ordered 2 ramen and the bill was $43 OUCH. sigh, that's 10 dollars more than what i spend if i go to pizza hut!!!

i think i wun be touching sushis for awhile.... right now i just wanna eat korean food.... from korea of course, not SG fake-o korean food. currently watching another K-drama, Blissful Woman. the premise for watching it is... my fave actress is the lead actress :D. that's pretty much why i watched it :P. she's just soooo cute. but now, i find that the story is rather nice too, so its actually rly enjoyable to watch, what is not enjoyable is the extremely long load times. sigh, but one must feel contented that it's even available online right? sadly singpore has not imported the DVD, or maybe bcos the dubbed version is not out yet. patiently waiting for it now, and waiting for Love in Heaven price to drop, $100++ is too expensive.

felt abit bad today, cause i lashed out at my dad again. he was helping me vacuum my room but when he was vacuuming under my desk, he hit the wires too hard and my comp crashed in the midst of loading the drama, and.. i chased him out of my room. gosh feel so bad... i dono why but im always so abusive with my dad and i hate myself for doing it. ok, my aim this year is to be more patient when i'm on my comp, since my mom has always pointed out when i'm playing games my temper gets realllllyyyyy short. kinda weird to me cause my temper has always been reeeaaallllyyyy good and it's not easy to make me angry. just irritated sure but not angry. on a sidenote i hate smiling at people i detest, yeah, u know who u are if i smile at you XD XD. joking.. but ya, i hate smiling at people i detest. annnddd, i hate smiling though i feel absolutely rotten inside. which is most of e time rly.. was talking with glenn abit two days ago, and he said he thinks i have depression. possibly, i think i have depression too, but i don't wanna see a psychologist (irony!! i wanna be one!).

i fell sick on the first day of school and hence skipped it. and now, i'm still recovering from it. everytime my mom brings medicine to me, i can't help but think to myself, it's not my body that needs it, it's my heart. why aren't there medicine that heals the heart? like why can't i cast repairo and my broken heart becomes anew again? i still don't know how long would it be before i can remove myself from the shadow of her memory. there isn't a moment when i'm not thinking of her save when i'm playing my comp. which is actually the reason i keep playing my comp, it acts as a repressive drug, it numbs me and stops me from thinking about her. i wish science can develop a drug that causes selective amnesia, wouldn't it be nice?

Ah, the first post of the new year, we've grown yet another year and it's a fresh start once again.

Sigh, new years always make me emo. I don't like reflecting, because reflecting means to look back on oneself and think of what you've done, however, every time I look back at myself, inevitably I'll think of the future, which to be honest, would be almost identical to the past. I haven't changed much. I've witnessed changes in the people around me, some rather drastically, others more subtly. I still feel the same old me, the me from sec 3 looking at the posting results after streaming, the me from sec 3 rushing home after the last bell, the me from sec 4 during the musical, the me from sec 4 slacking b4 the O levels, the me in PJC during PAE, the me mugging 1 wk b4 the Promos, in other words, if it isnt obvious enough, I didn't change.

There's a saying, when you're young, you can't wait to be an adult, when you're middle age, you are too busy to even care, when you're old, you start living on your memories of the past. Already I feel myself dwelling in times long gone, I don't have anything to look forward to and every day just seems like what it is literally, a day. I feel I lack the zest for life, I don't even feel like I'm living. It's more of existing. You live with an aim in life, be it to top your school, to go to a certain prestigious university, you need a goal in life. I don't even have 1, or rather, the goal I have is unattainable. Pretty much means I have no aim in life (Hence the feeling of existence).

I dun understand myself. I know I should not like her, yet I am still in love with her, I know there would not be any outcome, and yet I cannot erase her from my memory. Do you, any of you, even understand the bitterness and pain that's within my heart? I doubt so, not anyone I know, can even imagine the emotional pain I went through. You don't know what it's like to cry for hours on end. You don't know what it's like to wake up in the night sobbing your heart out. You don't know what it's like to lose faith in life. If only, you could be me for one day, just one, and feel just what I am going through, maybe I'll feel better, at least someone can empathise with me. Inevitably, some of you may think I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, come on, I'm just 17 right? Why make it sound like the end of the world? It's just a crush, you'll get over it, it's only temporary, it's only puppy love. If you even have thoughts like these, you don't know me, you absolutely don't know me. Science have proven Passion phase of love, meaning CRUSHES and puppy loves only lasts up to 2 years. Well, 3 years have passed and into the 4th. My feelings for her have not lessened. I still feel the same emotional trauma I felt in sec 2. I keep trying to convince myself, that I'll be fine being alone, that I'll be fine not having a life partner, that it's totally alright to die a bachelor, but I just can't help but feel rly disheartened and everytime I think of it, nvm..

I once had an absurd thought, since IQ is a measure of brain age over actual age, could it be that my IQ is so high that my brain is like that of a 28 year old man. Well, that's absurd, of course.

My heart, I'm rly sorry, I'm rly sorry, it's still going to hurt somemore. Maybe after crying, I'll feel better. I finally realise, the only person to wipe my tears, would only be myself. Even though it's going to hurt even more, I need to, I must leave you. When you're by someone else's side, could you think of me sometimes? You have always been on my mind in every waking moment.

It's going to be another long night... I'm rly need someone now...

i really need someone to console me now...

At last I look up at the overcast sky
And realise the only person around
To wipe my tears is myself

Now, it's better already
At least I can hate you.
I finally realise that
In the end, I'm still alone.

Sorry, sorry my heart
You will hurt a little.
I'll just cry awhile,
I'll feel better after crying.

I'm at a loss, I don't want, I don't want.
I need to hate you
It's too painful, too painful.
This period of grief you caused me,
I'll hate you to the core.

No matter how I try to erase you over and over
My heart only searches for you
I'm only left with the wound that was made because
My heart ached and ached

No matter how I try to erase you over andover
The only person that doesn't disappear is you
You know about this but why do you pretend you don't?
Tell me why you tried to leave my side

No matter how I try to throw away those memories over and over
I can't
No matter how I try hard to forget you
My eyes only remember you

Can you think of me?
At least once by someone else's side
Even if you live on
Think of me sometimes

I must have really loved you
It shows through my yearning
When I looked at you leaving though you knew I love you
It was only that I forgot for a while so come back

Come back to me
I can't live without you
I still have something I want to say
No matter how I try to send you away

I don't have the confidence to
THese feelings, my feelings, do you know them
Even if you love someone else
My heart only moves towards you

At least once by someone else's side
Even if you live on
Think of me sometimes
No matter how I try to erase you over and over
My heart only searches for you
I'm only left with the wound that was made because
My heart ached and ached

No matter how I try to erase you over and over
The only person that doesn't disappear is you
You know about this but why do you pretend you don't
I must have really loved you
It shows through my yearning
When I looked at you leaving though you knew I love you
It was only that I forgot for a while so come back
Come back to me
I can't live without you
I still have something I want to say..

Suddenly, out of the blue, I feel like doing a bioshock review. Sry if I'm rather vague since its been months since I've played it.

SPOILER ALERT!!!! Fanboys of bioshock, you will not like this review, you have been warned.











Ok, the game definitely impressed me at the start. Your plane crashes into the ocean in the middle of the night, and you are the only survivor. The game instantly shows you what it does best, water effects. And believe me, the water is GORGEOUS. It really makes you feel like jumping into it. Ok, water aside, you are supposed to swim to this island with a weird looking observatory. Once inside, the door shuts behind you and it's pitch black. Lights switch on and the first thing you see is "No Government, No God, Only Man". Scary huh. You then have to climb into a bathysphere where you are treated to a video about Rapture and you get to see the city from the outside, reminiscence of the tram ride in Half Life and Half Life 2.

Welcome to Rapture

You dock, and the game decides to scare you by showing you your first splicer killing its victim. Splicers are humans that have gone deranged due to genetic modification, and they look disgusting. So the devs decide to scare you by making it jump onto your bathysphere and proceed to cut it open. I was kinda afraid that it would get in since I have no weapon and I thought the game would start with a chase sequence. Luckily, that is not the case, anyway, you are quickly given your first weapon, the wrench (IMO, best weapon in the game). Den you get to beat the crap out of your first splicer. Next you are given your first much hyped plasmid, the electroshock or whatever. The game then teaches you the one-two punch, which is shock, and whack using your wrench. About 1 hour into the game you'll learn that apart from the fanciful effects of plasmids, there is absolutely NO use of them.

Medical Pavillion

You meet your first Big Daddy Little Sister pair, the cover picture for the game. The game makes it weaker of course, since its your first, then comes the much hyped moral dilemma, to kill or save the little sister. I chose kill of course, and the screen turns green with some weird bug sounds and when the screen clears you are holding some sluglike thing. Man, if it's even supposed to be a moral dilemma at least make the person feel bad for killing the girl!!!! Killing the little sisters net you Adam, which is the currency to upgrade yourself, which IMO, is utterly useless anyway, you just need to max out your health upgrade and that's it. Of course i totally enjoyed the first 3 hours of the game, when the guns were STILL USEFUL. After Arcadia I realised how weak guns were. I headshot them, WTH they are still alive! Nvm, another headshot, OMG THEY ARE STILL KICKING! Ok seriously its pissing me off, One more headshot, finally that splicer drops. JEEZ! I decide to go berserk and switched to my wrench. Guess what? I ran up to the splicer and whack him, and he dies! 1 hit! My point? Guns are just there for show, the wrench is all you need. Rly, and the rest 8 hours of the game I used the wrench and sprinted through the level clobbering everyone I see. Like why make a SHOOTER when the melee weapon owns the guns. The game decidedly got less and less creepy and even comical! hey, this is the game that's supposed to scare the gajeebers out of me. It even scared the PCGamer reviewer! It barely even made me flinch as I sprinted methodically through the game clobbering every goofy splicer I see.

Before long, you FINALLY confront the guy who has caused you to trudge through the rather repetitive levels killing rather repetitive enemies using the rather repetitive kill formula. Andrew Ryan. Oh boy! It's finally ending! I was expecting a tough boss fight. I inched my way to his room. Cutscene. Bla bla bla. "Would you kindly". Ok, so when am I going to fight him? The cutscene takes a twist, I'm given a golf bat and I can't control myself, I start beating him up and when the cutscene ends and I've gained control, he's dead. Er? Boss fight? Amazing, the game was easy up to now and they just made the boss so lame. Atlas screams into the radio, STOP THE BLAST SEQUENCE!!!! Fine anything to end this game... I sprinted to the controls and turned off the blast sequence. Good riddance. Oh, now Atlas reveals himself to be the true baddy, Fontaine. Great, how much more must I put up with? after a few more hours of mindless wrenching mindless splicers, I reached the FINAL boss, Fontaine. Wooooo, I was sooooo ready for a good fight. I planted mines at his seat and activated the cinematic. He jumps out..... and appears back at his seat. WTH? Omg, the game scared me for the first time, is it a bug? Dun tell me I must play through the parts I've just trudged through again! Oh wait, no, my mines were so powerful that he killed himself leaping onto them. Amazing. Wads more amazing I must fight him 3 times. The last 2 fights was equally boring. I just used the chemical thrower and repeatedly shocked him with it until he dies. Sigh LAME. And this game is supposed to be the Game of the Year? Really, if it is then I cannot imagine the other games.

After playing through Bioshock, I figured it has 1 pitfall that utterly made it boring for me.

Ans: The Wrench.

It's too overpowered, plus the upgrades you get for it pretty much makes your other weapons look like toy guns. Those who have unfortunately purchased bioshock, play it through again but this time, Fill up your combat tonics with wrench jockeys. You'll be amazed at how easily you can kill a BIg Daddy with your wrench. Equipping the wrench makes all the enemies lame, and also it takes out the scare since you just charge through the level whacking everything u see. where's the fun in that? And if you decide to use guns it annoys the heck out of you because the guns are just so weak u suspect if its firing pellets instead of bullets! Sigh, I feel so cheated by the reviews from PCGamer and IGN. For those of you seeking a better shooter, I suggest Call of Duty 4 and Crysis. They are definitely aeons better.



Sigh, feeling v sad that I can't go South Korea. No more air tickets. Sigh...

Some of you may notice i was, like derek, mysteriously missing for the past 2-3 days. Well it's because I went to his Class chalet!!! LMAO no la, I got better things to do than that.

Well I was not online because I had been watching a Korean drama from morning I wake up to 2 am when I sleep. 85 episodes. This drama was sort of like a wake-up call to me. I just cried out all my sorrows whilst watching it because I really felt for the characters as well as identify with them. (Of course, this is when my mom fell asleep on the sofa :p).

The drama made me think that I should do more with my life. It also made me feel like starting my own family next time. I mean, I never gave it much thought. It also made me have a clearer state of mind, there are many girls out there, there are definitely others who can make me fall in love with her. Though I have not met any, I think I should not seal my heart but instead be open. I mean, anything can happen, just leave it all to fate. If you're destined to be with someone, not even the 7 oceans can seperate you, no mountain can block your way. So I guess I'll just leave it all to fate. If I'm rly destined to be with her, well, then that would be great, but if not, then I should not just stay at one spot, since it would be futile, so I'm just wasting my life.

Also, I feel that I should not be playing my comp so much. Thinking if I should continue playing WoW since it's eating up alot of my time.

lao(3) tian(1) ye(2), gei(3) wo(3) ai(4) ba(4)

Another emo post lol...

Oook.. This feels so deja vu. Like it's 14 all over again. Thinx only Jaye knows what I'm talking abt. Sigh, so no mood to do anything now. So what happened, I guess when u took a right turn and I took a left turn and now we're in parallel. Sigh, and I'm stargazing all of a sudden. What's wrong with that? Astro do it all the time. I don't know, cept it bothers me alot. I start thinking of weirdish stuff that makes no sense and by the second gets more and more irrelevant. It's like I have a trojan in my system that's opening lots and lots of pointless programmes just to screw with me.

I think feelings are the bane of life. True that it's the colour of a painting but a bad colouring can ruin a perfectly drawn picture. I think you can tell how screwed up my state of mind is just by reading what I'm typing, I don't even know if I'm making rational statements or just gibberish. I think I've reached "Nirvana" where fantasy and reality is merged and now I can't tell what is real and what isn't. Surreal is not the word I'm looking for. It's like walking on the line between dream and reality. FOr WC3 players, that's sth like the Emerald Dream. For layman, I guess u can say its like treading the line between life and death.

..... I can't stop myself from stargazing .....

Maybe because beyond the stars I will see heaven. Where dream becomes reality. I just want to ditch this shithole and climb out of the nightsoil. Most of the time, I'm just thinking, why can't I be someone else. Why do I have to be me and why do other ppl get to be themselves.

So, I've made up my mind
I will pretend to leave this world behind
And in the end you'll know that I've lied
To get your attention
I'm faking my own suicide

I'm faking my own suicide
Because I know you love me
You just haven't realised

I'm faking my own suicide
They'll hold a double funeral
Because a part of you will die
Along with me

I wish you thought that I was dead
So rather than me you'd be depressed instead
And before arriving at my grave
You'd come to the conclusion
You'd love me all your days
But it's too late
Too late for you to say

Because I'm faking my own suicide
Because I know you love me
You just haven't realised

Oh, I'm faking my own suicide
They'll hold a double funeral
Because a part of you'll die
Along with me

I'll write you a letter that you'll keep
Reminding you your love for me is more than six feet deep
You say aloud that you would have been my wife
Right about that time is when I come back to life
And let you know
I'd let you know
That all along I was faking my own suicide
Because I know you love me
You just never realised

I was faking my own suicide
I'll walk into that room and see your eyes opened so wide
Opened so wide
Because you know

Because you know you will never leave my side
Until the day that I die for the first time
And we'll laugh, yeah we'll laugh
And we will cry
So overjoyed with our love that's so alive
Our love is so alive

This was a triumph
I'm making a note here
HUGE SUCCESS
It's hard to overstate my satisfaction

Aperture Science
We do what we must because we can
For the good of all of us
Except the ones who are dead

But there's no sense crying over every mistake
You just keep on trying until you run out of cake
Now when the science gets done and you make a neat gun
For the people who are still alive

I'm not even angry
I'm being so sincere right now
Even though you broke my heart
And killed me

And torn into pieces
And threw every piece into a fire
As they burned it hurt because
I was so happy for you

Now these points of data make a beautiful line
And we're out of BETA we're releasing on time
So I'm glad I got burned think of all the things we learned
For the people who are still alive

Go ahead and leave me
I think I'd prefer to stay inside
Maybe you'll find someone else to help you
Maybe Black Mesa

That was a joke, Haha, Fat chance
Anyway this cake is great, it's so delicious and moist
Look at me still talking when there's science to do
When I look out there, it makes me glad I'm not you

I've experiments to run, there is research to be done
On the people who are still alive

Believe me I'm still alive
I'm doing science and I'm still alive
I feel fantastic and I'm still alive
While you're dying I'll be still alive
And when you're dead I'll be still alive
Still alive, still alive.

Was talking to my mom just now while on the way home.

She seems to know somehow my heart has been broken by a girl, so she was like telling me not to keep everything in and tell her about it. Den she said sometimes young people like to make a mountain out of a molehill. Which is true la, cause we lack real life experience. Den I told her when one door closes another door opens, so she asked me which door has opened in my heart.

Then I thought, actually, no door has opened in my heart, ever since Sec 2 I have shut out all other girls. As in not willing to get romantically involved. So I think she was hinting me not to give up on girls, which is kind of ironic, since she doesn't want me to get into a relationship just yet. Well it's true, I have always been a pessimist, I never look at things in a good way. I think its some childhood trauma haha. However, even if I should remain single all my life, I will never regret meeting her. I learnt that I will not always get what I want, and I also realised I have a rly good sister always standing by me. Not only that, my bond with my computer has also strengthened to the point I can play the whole day without feeling my day is wasted. I dun think that is a bad thing bcos through her, I realised that every day pleasures are rly just all I need, and it's all I ever want, and the best part is, I already have it. So, girls, sex, relationships, kids, romance, they can all step aside. My #1 priority now is to have a fun and full life no matter how short it is. I don't think I should be doing stuffs that irk me or to prolong my life only to make myself suffer longer. Rly, life is all about having fun. Example, why get so worried about what you eat, if ur just eating stuffs u don't like to live longer, why bother? Just eat all u want! And the ideal case of course is not to live your life based on the expectations of another. Does it rly matter how others look at you? Actually it does, if u intend to integrate wif society. But rly, if I'm some rich ass, I wun even give a damn about how I look and just hide in my house. At the end of the road, when you die, you should look back and feel that warm glow within that you rly had fun throughout your life, and the saddest thing that should happen is that u realise after having a long life that you did not enjoy it the way you should have.

Ok linking back, while it would be great if she accepted me, trust me, I'll even stop playing my computer, I know that would never happen. She's too good for me and I acknowledge that so I wun make any move, unless I'm crazy of course. Eh my thoughts are so incoherent now cause I just left off to play TF2 and now I lost my train of thought. The train went up the ferry and went far far away. Feel Soooo dizzy now, aftereffects of playing too much scout! Ok, since I forgot what I was thinking, I shall just end this post. Man, it sucks to leave things done half-way.

The deadly promotional exam is finally OVER! I think I shall analyse the papers. For those who don't want unpleasant memories to come back, then don't read on.

First day of promos was GP and Chinese. Talk about bad planning. 6 hours exam total. Writing marathon. I thought I was screwed for GP since I'm totally horrid at writing argumentative/debative essays. Also, I am an extremist, and that's not the worst, I have unconventional views. How unconventional? SO unconventional u have to walk the entire earth to find one person like me, and that's me. Ya, so those who take GP can see how unsuited I am for GP, and I dun like lying either, so I will just tell the teacher straight to the face (figuratively, since he/she will be reading it) what I feel. Ok CHinese. I nv felt any pressure in taking chinese, I guess its the BPian gift haha. Surprisingly, I survived GP, I think I can pass. Yeah, that's all that matters, PASS!!!!

Second day of exams, Physics plus GEOG!!! Physics is the one I have most confidence in, MOST probably pass, maybe can get A, not sure. Geog, Wah I rly pray its a pass, I nv prepare sufficiently. Human geog I know nuts.. Den KSL say dono anything draw some pictures, he will give marks. WOots I took his word and drew a few pictures. Glenn that selfish guy dun wanna teach us how to draw that retarded bird that attracted KSL. SELFISH! Second day was still OK.

Third day is the worst... MATHS ARGH. Though I did the practise papers, I still could not do the paper! What is the department thinking, setting such a tough paper. Compared to 2006, this is like 3 times harder... This paper, i'm confident in not passing. I rly hope there's moderation, otherwise the 2nd H2 I'm banking on is KAPUT.

4th Day, My morale was so low I was just willing the paper to be over. Also, I gave up on chemistry. SO I was just hoping the qns that come out I can do. Well, I was partially right, I think I did enuff to pass!!! WOOTS!!! I pulled through cause at the start of the paper, Ms Zhu came to my desk and talked to me! Gave me inspiration to do my chem properly! Ok that was utter crap haha, she was just telling me not to draw on my cover page. Ahhh what to do, the artist within me is just screaming to be released. Con artist that is. HAHA!! SPeaking of con artist, My fave role in TF2 is the SPY!!! Woots! Managed a team wipe today wahahha, sneaked to their backs and BACKSTABBED THE WHOLE TEAM!!! MUHAHAHA.

Sigh promos is just too traumatising, need to recuperate now...

Just a really really short post, doesn't matter if you read it or not.


Pray I can pass my promos and promote! 3 more days! Gambatte!

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO JUDGE ME BASED ON WHAT LITTLE YOU KNOW OF ME

you have barely scratched the surface of knowing me, don't try to criticize me. If you know me at least 50%, I will still listen and reflect, because it shows you have substance. Like in GP, u need CONCRETE examples and KNOWLEDGE of the subject. I can tell you, you dun even know 10% of me. No one even knows 50% of me. I can tell you that. What anyone knows of me, is what I pretend to be. Even if u read my blog and remember EVERYTHING i post, u will still not know 50% of me.

ONLY MY SIS IS ALLOWED TO COMMENT ON ME

even my parents don't know me well, so don't try, seriously, don't try.

on a side note, u said im not civic minded. To those who have been reading my blog for at least a year, and roughly rmb wad i wrote, i mentioned i am TRYING TO BE EVIL AND SELFISH. Yes, meaning, I DON'T WANT TO BE CIVIC MINDED.

Those who read for 2 years, know I posted that my friends do not appreciate what I do for them. I AM BEING A FUCKING FOOLISH NICE GUY AND FOR FUCK? ALL OF YOU CAN GO AND FUCKING KICK THE BUCKET!

So DON'T tell me about me WITHOUT KNOWING the backstory. BTW, I DON't GO AROUND COMMENTING ON PEOPLE AND CRITICIZING THEM UNLESS I KNOW THEM WELL ENOUGH. I only say such stuffs in jest, and actually, i'm not a very funny guy. I dun even like telling jokes. I dun like smiling. I dun like laughing. I just want to be LEFT ON MY OWN! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE WITH MY COMPUTER DAMN IT!

I know in this world we have to do stuffs we don't like. I smile. I laugh. I socialize. These are stuffs I DON'T LIKE AT ALL. I won't die of loneliness by being cooped up at home. As long as I have my comp.

And if u ask abt girlfrens and wives, I can tell u surely, THEY ARE WHITE ELEPHANTS. I don't need them. I don't want them. And I know this sounds v contrary to most of my posts, but I have this principle that I will only truely love one person. Since that love is used up, I shall just be alone. Ok, I hate being alone. But I RATHER BE ALONE THAN BE WITH HUMANS. DISGUSTING SHIT. I only want to be with animals. And all you people of this world should be ashamed of yourselves. My pet has better moral values than all of you added up. My point being, DON'T CARE ABOUT OTHERS UNTIL YOU CHANGE YOURSELF! You are not even a saint, so DON'T CHANGE OTHERS!

Ok, there ends my rant and my post. Don't tresspass me. Ever. Again.

I tried to convince myself that I no longer have feelings for you. I thought I had succeeded, but how wrong I was. Walked past you this morning, saw you glancing my way. I don't know if it was imagined or you did glance my way. In that instance my heart skipped a beat. That horrible feeling like the ground beneath your feet suddenly gave way and you're falling. This shouldn't happen. This should be 2 years ago and last year stuff. I think I can't lie about my feelings. They are still there and I know it. The shyness is still there, I still get fidgety when I see you, whether you saw me or not. I try to ignore you but this constant nagging thought keeps forcing me to look towards you. You did a reverse polarity in my life once, and I'm still reeling at its effect.

I'm weird. Everytime I see you online, I want to talk to you, yet I don't know what to say. I would open the chat window, and stare at the frosted glass, willing words to appear miraculously. In the end, the only thing I see is the background and that ominous flashing line, as though challenging me to type something.

I know you have your own life and I really should be going on with mine, leave the past behind me. Believe me, I tried that. Just blindly forge on, feeling my way as I round every bend. Everytime I imagine you with another guy, I get this... feeling.. Not jealousy.. Rather, this tsunami of grief and regret. I still try to laugh, smile, be a total ass, yet behind this paper-thin facade, I'm just breaking apart. Sometimes I feel so alone, like there's no one in this world but me, empty streets, empty buildings, empty sky, an empty world. I can't describe that gloominess that stills my heart everytime that happens. Like watching a movie in black and white, with still images of broken windows, bare trees, and the wind picking up leaves from the ground and tossing them in the air. The shutters of the windows bang ominously everytime I see you. The skipped beat of my heart like a sudden flash of lightning that disturbs the grey stillness of the picture.

Everyone seems to be moving on with their lives, only I'm stagnating in this mire. I try to lift my leg, the pitch black tar-looking substance holds me to my position as I watch the backs of my peers. Your back. The harder I struggle the deeper I sink, so all I can do is just stay there and wait.

What really is the true meaning of bliss? Haven't felt that in a long time. Haven't had the feeling that everything in my life is going smoothly, the feeling that life is a bed of roses. And then I try to console myself, 99.9% of people do not get their first love. And I thought, why can't I be that 0.1%?

Then I thought to myself, does it have anything to do with my attitude? If I had been more aggressive, would the outcome be any different? Given the circumstance, I think not, it will probably achieve the effect of making you dislike me even more. To the point of avoidance. Though sometimes I can't disagree that you are avoiding me. Or it could be pure imagination. I'm full of it. When life isn't what you expect it to be, you turn to your imagination to create one that is what you wanted it to be. In this sense, I think I'm blessed to have a mind capable of rendering 3D images and not just still images but motion picture and the ability to shut out reality all in the whim. Simply put, I can stone anywhere I want anytime I want and just live my life in my imagination. Wouldn't it be nice?