Help! Next week is one crazy week! Monday math test, Tuesday chem test + NAPHA test, Friday SPA skill A. NOOOOO!!! Next week is really test week. Sigh..

Here I am at 11:36 trying to do my math tutorial -.-||. Amazing, usually at this time I'm either ZZZ-ing or playing my computer. SIgh, tmr must mug like crazy. And I lack the motivation to do so.. AND I'm still worried for my NAPHA, my pull-up for some reason became very crappy, my 2.4 also.. Oh and my standing broad jump. Basically everything.. I don't even know why i deproved so much. Can't believe last yr i did 7 and 11:21 respectively. Sigh.. I guess I can only make it through next week through God's grace and His strength. The icing on this cake of doom is the following monday I have (drum rolls) NS HEALTH CHECKUP! ZZZ... That's 3-4 hours down the drain to inefficient way of handling the checkup.. ZZZ.. What a great way to waste my monday.. I hate you, National Service, and I hate you, MoD. What a wonderful world it would b if there isn't NS..

Hooray, my thumb is slowly recovering! FINALLY it does not look so swollen. And got my new spectacles too! So there's still reason to rejoice in life! Ok so weird that getting a new pair of spectacles is reason to rejoice, lemme rephrase it, be joyful about the simple things in life. Like wad KSL said during geog lecture, often it's the simple things that you neglected and now lost that will make you sad. We should just enjoy our day to day moments in ACJC for this is our very last year in ACJC. Though Mrs chan said we will never truly graduate, but it's just never the same as actually being a student in ACJC. I know I will b rly sad when I graduate from ACJC. I've met some great people there, had loads of fun, and I spend more time in ACJC than at home! Yay for 2SB2 haha!

Truth be told, I wanted to make an emo post, BUT it turns out I'm not emo at all!!! Haha!!

I would like to borrow strength that You could lend, to keep my head above the water and not descend back to where I said I'd never go again. I can't do it on my own strength, I'm already feeling so tired just preventing myself from being emo. I have to keep forcing myself to be happy. If I feel so tired, I can't study, sigh..

And I just wanna get mugged at knife point, to get cut enough to wake me up. Cause I know that I don't wanna die sitting around watching my life go by. And what we take from this is what we'll get but we haven't quite figured it out just yet. BEcause all of us are all too stuck, stuck to a chair watching our lives blow up.

I think I need to do something crazy. I should just live like there's no tomorrow. Haha I think I'm really cursed XD.. I know I'm capable of alot of things, if only I apply myself to it. Maybe O levels ain't a good guage haha, 9 points without studying is good I guess. Promoting with ABBCE studying 1 wk beforehand is also good I think. And I'm very sure I have a split personality HAHA! Anyway, I wish I was never born haha. And it amazes me how I can shut my mind to girls and instantly lose feelings. Cool man. Yeah, I guess its good to be an iNtuition Feeling, good inner world XD. Creative yep!! That's why I'm gonna make a breakthrough in science next time!

I don't even know what I'm typing but random thoughts that are popping inside my head. Yay, maybe I have manic depression!! Cool. I always thought what it would be like since the symptoms just seems so cool. Bipolar disorder haha. I shall not emo! Though I do not have the strength, the Lord would lend me His strength, and I believe I will not b emo!! WOots! Yay, I believe I have strong endurance. I bet other people commit suicide already! See, I'm still alive and well MUHAHAHA!!! I should congratulate myself more often, gives me morale to fight on yay. I guess girls make good friends but not partners haha. Dogs make the best partners. I shall buy a dog after my NS. And I shall leave my millions for it! And of course I'll burn the rest. I will NEVER donate money to the poor! NEVER NEVER NEVER! Cause I hate humans. They can die for all I care. It's going to be all about ME ME ME from now on. MUHAHAHA! We live in a world where individual is the most important! Lala, I feel so excited to go to uni, I wanna learn so many things. I think I'll just spend my life learning, taking degree after degree haha. So much to learn so little time.

i think i know why i like Relient K songs so much, and it's cause I feel it's a reflection of my life. It has been like my inner voice, and i'm always wishing that my life would b as the song ends, since it usually ends with an inspirational message.

can you help me out with my chemistry?

they cut me deep and bled me dry until there was nothing left to bleed. And this is how I choose to live, as if I'm jumping off a cliff.
I keep trying to pick myself up and then move on. I think about the life I'll have when this fragile one is gone.

the very thing that I hate more than everything is the way I'm powerless to dictate my own moods. I've thrown away so many things that could have been much more. And I just pray my problems go away if they're ignored. when I go down, I go down hard, and I take everything I've learnt and teach myself some disregard.
I've thrown away the hope I had in friendships.

What's the purpose? It feels worthless. So unwanted like I've lost all my value.
Sometimes I think that I'm not any good at all. And sometimes I wonder why, why I'm even here at all.
I spent it convincing myself the world's doing just fine without me

I don’t want nothing to hurt me. I had no idea where my head was at, but if my heart says I’m sorry can we leave it at that? Because I just want for all of this to end
And I so hate consequences, and running from you is what my best defense is. God, don’t make me face up to this. And I so hate consequences, and running from you is what my best defense is. cause I know that I let you down, and I don’t want to deal with that.
All of my escapes have been exhausted. I thought I had a way but then I lost it. And my resistance was once much stronger and I know I can't go on like this much longer.

why is it so hard to have someone to console me everytime i'm feeling down?

i do that for my friends, i always hope they would notice i'm not feeling well, at the end of the day the only consolation i got was from my dog.

i think wad i really want is recognition. and right now, i feel it coming only from my dog which is like an alterego since.. my dog is.. a plushie.. i don't know how many times i can pick myself up from the ground any longer.

why is it so unfair? i'm sympathetic to other people, and yet they don't seem to be reciprocating. why can't i just be someone else? my personality type just does not suit me. everyone i consider a close friend have cut me deeply at least once. everyone important to me have left their scar on my heart. and i'm bleeding. i'm bleeding.

i just want to fade away now. i feel it's hell on earth. rain brought joyous cheers to farmers and to me it's as though the sky is crying. the world around me is crying. trying to drown me in its sorrows. why am i so pessimistic? i used to tell myself i can make it, i just need to put in effort. now i just feel i'm a failure in everything i do. i don't even want to try anything anymore. i wish i can go skiing and have a ski accident. my emotions are like a roller coaster filled with highs and lows. bipolar.

Ok, dexter's comment just put a smile to my face HA! cause it's rather odd sounding, maybe cause of the ! at the end.

Anyways, i think i shall just start with the dailies first, before the thoughts. anyways, today was an average day i guess. Mrs Chang didnt come to school cause of high fever, so sad... BUT! The bright side is we got xtra 1 hour 40 mins break!!! Hehehehe. oK, that was evil. after 1 hour 40 mins of break, was another 40 mins of break, adding up to a grand total of 2 hours 20 mins of slack time!! and i feel really guilty for not applying that time to good use. Sigh, wasted it la. Nothing much actually happened in lesson time. Although during phy practical I was emo-ing at the back of the lab. Felt so lethargic, no motivation to do anything at all. So I thought maybe I shall use muscle ache to overwrite the pain in my heart. In short: it worked. Hehe, I just stretched my leg out and applied pressure down much like a half-split. wow, the pain actually feels good!

After phy pract I sent lionel off to the bus stop b4 heading to library. The library's like a sauna la, all the air-cons spoilt and no air ventilation. Supreme heat wave. Climbed up the stairs to the study area and saw jon, becca, and jolene burying their heads in their arms. Sooo.. I went back downstairs and began hunting for a good book to read. I came across 1, "Overcoming Depression". Seemingly an interesting read, I took it and went upstairs, and set opposite jolene. Well, it was an interesting read to say the least, learnt alot about the difference between sadness and depression.

Think they rested until 3 30 b4 we headed down to test out recipe for our ice-blended coffee which we're going to sell next monday for fund-raising. Haha, the first one was too bland, but after a couple of tries, we managed to concoct something satisfying to all of us. Hope ACSians would liek it too XD. Albeit the coffee taste is not as strong as I would like it, but I would say it's good for an amateurish attempt haha.

ok here comes my thought of the day! Actually not today, my mind was kinda blank today, was ytd night but I was too lazy to post last night. What happens when you no longer understand yourself? That was what I was thinking last night. Recently so many things are happening, so many things just distracting me and clouding my senses I no longer know who am I. Identity crisis. what I thought would never happen well.. to say the least, did. well.. the youth olympic games is being hosted in singapore.. Anyway, I'm so confused I dun think I'm myself anymore. I no longer know what I'm doing, I no longer know what's my motive, heck I dun even know what I'm feeling anymore! Right now, I'm standing at a crossroad, and everyday that passes is pushing me to take one path. I still have no idea what I should do cause I've already lost sense of myself, what it means to be me. it's a scary thought thinking how ppl can change so suddenly. maybe its not quite a sudden change but an underlying change that only just surfaced when it has gained in strength. I'm not sure, I'm like a mixed person now, someone new, and yet retaining some of my past. but, my past is fighting with my present, and taht's wads causing my confusion.

anyway, i think if anyone even bothers reading, ur probably as confused as me right now after reading that haha. nvm, i think my decision now would be to continue waiting at the crossroad until i can no longer do so and am forced to choose one path. Ok, i think many of my friends who read this wun get wad I'm trying to say, but Glenn knows.

A thousand times I've failed, still your mercy remains.
Should I stumble again, I'm caught in your grace.

Ah.. the paradox within that line.. Figure out urself what's the paradox.. btw, this is not an attack on a christian song, in fact, its one of my fave christian songs.

I open my eyes I try to see but I'm blinded by the white light.
I can't remember how I can't remember why
I'm lying here tonight. And I can't stand the pain
And I can't make it go away. No I can't stand the pain.
How could this happen to me, I've made my mistakes,
GOt nowhere to run, the night goes on as I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life, I just want to scream
How could this happen to me
Everybody's screaming, I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I'm slipping off the edge, I'm hanging by a thread, I want to start this over again.
So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered and I can't explain what happened and I can't erase the things that I've done
No I can't
How could this happen to me, I've made my mistakes, got nowhere to run, the night goes on as I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life, I just want to scream, How could this happen to me

Girls are evil.
I think Dogs are angels sent from heaven to keep ppl happy. To love those who are broken.
Girls are evil, they appear so friendly to you. When they find out you like them, they do a complete 180. Does it matter that much? Having someone liking you will kill you?
I've lost faith in girls already. Can they be trusted? Before you say anything, stop, think twice, thrice. She may seem very friendly with you, you think ur rather close friends, can be considered good friends. Don't let that deceive you. The moment you admit liking her, that "friendship" turns to "fiendship". Of course, the girl would argue that it's like weird to be around with a guy that likes you if you do not have feelings for him. Well, think of it another way, he's been liking that girl for some time already, it's just SECRETLY. So, nothing much will change actually, just make clear your meaning, and you can still be friends. THere's rly no need for the 180 change of heart. I might be over-generalising here. But that's the feel they give me.
Feeling rly down today, maybe cause its V-day tmr. maybe. and cause of events today too.
Sometimes I want to ask God, why put me on this earth to suffer. i don't pity those africans, they live without feeling much pain and die. they die young, they dun experience as much pain as I would have to go through. sometimes i want to ask God, why not take me home. I'm so sick of this life.

Today's crosscountry. The event was ok, i decided to run. that's about it, didnt wanna slack. prob cause lionel didnt wanna slack, so i also run wif him. throughout the whole event i was trying to find her, but instead, i found glenn's. after the run, whilst at our bags, as luck would have it, lionel spotted her, and he pointed her out to me. and, i did the most dastardly thing ever, i did not even say hi though she walked by me. even acquaintances say hi. den later on we're supposed to settle down in our houses. i wanted to stay on with glenn, but TKK members were wearing orientation shirt and i was wearing PE shirt, felt like it was too obvious i don't belong there. i saw her glancing our way. i said to glenn, i think i go find my house, and walked away. i turned around after walking a few steps, she moved in and talked to glenn. that moment, was like the sky came crashing down on me, like a kunai spearing my heart, like falling down into a deathpit, like the light in my life shutted out (how ironic she mentioned sth along these lines a few years ago). that very moment, my heart was mixed with sorrow, a sorrow so dark it makes the depression a joke, and hate. a hate of all things, a hate of myself, a hate so intense it was burning me inside out. and i kept it all inside like a covered test-tube with rubidium added to con HCl.

so who's to blame? her? sometimes i do blame her, but after more thinking, rly, the only person to blame is myself. i was too aimless when i was younger. if from primary 1, i knew what i wanted, or at least primary 4. things would be different now, maybe. but because this path is now closed, the outcome known, whilst other paths were still open and unknown, it makes sense that i should wish i had taken the other paths. that i would turn around and retrace my steps and take a different path. why can't humans travel in the 6th dimension?

and as i type this, i realise how futile complaining is. just as how futile complaining about anything to the govt is. complaining gets you nowhere. just wastes your time. and yet people still enjoy it. like a pastime. like a hobby.

psychiatrist always say, let it all out, don't keep it bottled up lest it should erupt like mount krakatoa did in 1883. anyway, this post is coming to an end, with just one last message left,

GP SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The long chinese new year break is half-way over, quite sad actually, i wanted a long break, and esp since next week is a horrible weak for me. Swim PE on tuesday, Mass PE and cross country on Wednesday. Sigh, I feel horribly unfit now, stamina-wise. Too long never run already, and I'm always too lazy to go and run.

Festive seasons always make me emo, and this CNY is no exception. I wonder when will I start moving on and put the past all behind me. This year is A level year and I cannot afford to let my feelings hinder my studies. And right now that's exactly what it's doing. I hope I can prove myself in Terms and get all As. Or at least all Bs but it seems too far-fetched to me. I struggled through chem test and next monday would be Maths test. I'm not rly that worried for physics since I've been doing well for it. It's all about pulling up my grades for maths and chem. And the dreaded GP. I think I'm just not made to do GP, I am terrible at it. I think I shall just pray the A levels somehow come out one topic which I'm good at and the compre AQ is also of one topic i'm good at. If not, I'm sunk for GP. Nth much I can do about it.

Today's Grace's birthday! Happy Birthday Grace :)! Also, it's the 3rd anniversary of my blog! Time sure flies, 3 years have past in a blink of an eye. This year is my final year in the Singapore education system. Though I hate it, but it's still sad that I'm about to graduate from it.

I like going to school somehow, makes me feel my time is well-used and not wasted doing pointless stuff. I shall slowly morph into a mugger, need time to get used to mugging, right now I can only go about 1 hour maximum doing my work. Short concentration span haha. I'm quite unhappy with myself again today. I still don't have the courage to say "Hi" to her even though I pass her in the hallway. Like why am I so shy? So just lost 1 chance like that. Rly want to b friendly, and not just ignore her whenver I see her. Sigh, I also lost a chance yesterday. Even aquaintances say "Hi" when they see each other. Sigh, nvm, what's done cannot be undone. Time only goes in one direction and never flows in the other way, unless u can understand and enter the 5th and 6th dimension den i nothing to say.

Sigh, feeling quite low again today.

I've made a habit of never making promises. But there you have it, now I make you one that is to keep you here with me. 'Cause every second that goes by I feel it's just a waste of time, if I'm not with you. If home is where the heart is then my home is where you are. But it's getting oh so hard to spend these days without my heart. So I'm taking you with me, anywhere that I could ever wanna be. For the rest of my life, I want you there with me. And if there ever comes a time, when I should have to leave, I hope you know that I, I'm taking you with me.

Yesterday is not quite what it could have been, as were most of all the days before. But I swear today, with every breath I'm breathing in, I'll be trying to make it so much more. 'Cause it seems I get so hung up on the history of what's gone wrong, and the hope of a new day is sometimes hard to see. And though I'm finally catching onto it, and now the past is just a conduit, and there light there at the end is where I'll be. 'Cause I'm on the up and up, I'm on the up and up. And I haven't given up, given up on what I know I'm capable of. And I'm on the up and up, and there's nothing left to prove. 'Cause I'm just trying to be a better version of me for you, a better version of me for you.

Grace's birthday and my blog's 3rd anniversary is coming up soon!

I always feel like going out but nowhere to go and no one to go out with. Staying at home is too boring for me.. Sadded, the drama I'm watching now is ending in 2 episodes! Oh no, now I have nothing much to do on my computer.. Anyway, just after I watched one episode which ended with the guy saying something v touchy, I closed the window and I saw my MSN screen, and my eyes focused immediately on her nick. Strange that suddenly I felt as though a sword just plunged through my heart. Sigh, what's more I've been feeling rly down for a month already. Depression I think. In addition, my stomach has been complaining for about a week already. Everyday feel pain. My mom thinks it's cause couple of weeks ago I drank alcohol on an empty stomach and somehow damaged it. But I didn't rly drink alot either, and there are so many ppl who do that on empty stomachs. Sigh, and I dread Mass PE. Wednesdays are my most hated days now, at least until Mass PE is over. The good thing abt mass PE is that it's the only time where my mind is too exhausted to think of her. Haha. If I don't think of her, I don't feel sad and helpless. But other than that I HATE mass PE. Can't wait for Term 1 to be over and Mass PE GONE FOREVER!

Sigh nothing much to blog about, I want to go out now but nowhere and no one to go out with. And don't want to go to Queensway with WP and Glenn cause I don't like going to Queensway.

i learnt sth new today, ice cream helps to stop the sorrow within your heart from exploding. Ate one whole cup of minty goodness, and after that I felt better. It's like ice cream freezes your heart so u can't feel anything, and that feeling is rly good. I know its psychological but after eating the ice-cream my heart felt so chilly and comfortable. Or the cavity that held my heart.

see, my heart is with someone else, and to quote from relient K, "It's getting so hard to spend these days without my heart". why do i feel so insecure? if i had the courage, i would walk up to you, talk to you. i am so tired of living. if ms lim ever remarks "you tired of living ah" to me, i'll answer "yes!". cause i don't lie. i'm willing to lay my life down for her.

we're all born with a purpose in life, but i rly wonder what's mine. to b sad and then die? what am i supposed to do with it? i'm not lying when i say i'm rly tired. it's nt just rly tired, it's like i've never slept for 17 years kind of tired, i just want to spend every moment sleeping. for the next 17 years. and when i wake up everything would seem like a dream. and then i'll continue with my life with her as a fragment of my dream.34 years old isn't that late to start living right? no matter how long i sleep, i just want to sleep even more. and my heart feels like it's bounded by chains with 200 tonnes weight holding it down. so down i can't lift my spirits. weird that i only weigh 52 kg considering how heavy my heart feels.

cause i was born to love you
cause i was created to love you
cause i exist to love you
cause you are all that i am
my heartbeat my breaths

they say the world revolves around the sun
but my world revolves around you
every moment, every day


there's so many adjectives in the english dictionary, and yet i can't find one that can describe my feelings. The limitation of languages, no word powerful enough to convey emotions.

Dear Diary

I thought I would be strong, I thought I would be able to accept it, never knew it'd hurt this much. Saw her and a guy together today after school, and lionel told me the guy recently broke up with his gf, he thinks, but maybe it's not what I think, maybe they're just doing homework together. But, if they're really together, I think I feel happy for her. Yep, he's definitely a great guy, at least looks-wise, definitely better than me. I think, they're quite compatible. So, maybe, it'll help me get over her.

Dear Diary

I'll try not to let it hurt too much. But such things can't be controlled. I'm rly afraid it shows in school, rly do. I'm so afraid my eyes would start perspiring in school. I'm so tired, rly diary, I'm so tired, I just want to sleep and never wake up. Will she remember me? I remember when people asked me what I'm waiting for I used to reply for the sky to fall down. I want to lay down and wait for the sky to fall. When you're lying down, the sky seem so much nearer, so near you could stretch your hand out and touch it.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right
I hope you have the time of your life.....

You are my friend
Ah, you still remember the dream we had that day don't you?
You are my dream
Ah, We'd just gotten started, you're my long lost friend
Woah, it's time to get moving

Everyday, lit up by the shine ahead
I wanna see you, light my soul on fire
But now, we've bid goodbye to the fun days
To be the future, I'll try to take over, and that's why I'll dream on

I'd go the distance
gazing at the sky so full
I am just now starting
To use my greatest power, full tilt

You are my friend
Ah, you still remember the dream we had that day don't you?
You are my dream
Ah, we just got started, you're my long lost friend
Woah, it's time to get moving

Thank you my friend
Ah, I haven't forgotten what happened that day
You are my dream
Ah, next time I'll protect you my way
Woah the distance

STATUS: Debuff, all actions -2X stamina, reduce spirit to 0.

I'm getting abit sick of this blogskin, and no blogskins online that's nice enough for me to coup, so i guess i'll just have to mod this one. Sigh, just no time to do it only..

sigh, i rly wanna be hardworking this year, and yet i'm still v slack, tutorials take so long to do, and i still have holiday homework not finished!

i rly want to see how much more of this torture i can take before i finally breakdown. they say the human spirit is easily broken, how true it is. i feel half a person already.

i think emotion is the bane of people. emotion creates problems and escalates existing ones. i can't think of one benefit emotion brings. i wish i'm emotionless.. i wish i am a flirt too, then i'll feel better. i won't be holding on for so long. and i wish, i wasn't such an extreme pessimist. haven't try i think die. sigh. actually i blog cause i got nth to do on my comp sigh........

suddenly my tagboard is alive again o.0...

school barely started and i'm buried knee-deep in homework (exaggeration). gosh, why am i suddenly faced with MATHS tutorial and CHEMISTRY tutorial? 2 of my least favourite subjects sigh. luckily, i'm almost done with chem, which is due tomorrow, and it's 8 43 pm on a sunday. hmm. great. nvm, i've always survived not doing hw.

felt so totally scammed today at sakae sushi (on no fault of theirs except a rather misleading BUFFET signboard outside their store).

i went with my "gf" (ahem ahem) to sakae sushi (if it ain't obvious). surprise surprise, there was a long queue outside (wait, long queues=buffet right?), since i wanted to eat sushi, so we decided to wait. when it was our turn, we went in and the waitress gave us menus. however, we began taking plates off the conveyor belts cause we thought it was buffet. after about 8 plates, i had a sneaky suspicion that there was no buffet cause... everyone else was ordering food. so i asked a nearby waiter and he said "no buffet on weekends". gosh, so we ordered 2 ramen and the bill was $43 OUCH. sigh, that's 10 dollars more than what i spend if i go to pizza hut!!!

i think i wun be touching sushis for awhile.... right now i just wanna eat korean food.... from korea of course, not SG fake-o korean food. currently watching another K-drama, Blissful Woman. the premise for watching it is... my fave actress is the lead actress :D. that's pretty much why i watched it :P. she's just soooo cute. but now, i find that the story is rather nice too, so its actually rly enjoyable to watch, what is not enjoyable is the extremely long load times. sigh, but one must feel contented that it's even available online right? sadly singpore has not imported the DVD, or maybe bcos the dubbed version is not out yet. patiently waiting for it now, and waiting for Love in Heaven price to drop, $100++ is too expensive.

felt abit bad today, cause i lashed out at my dad again. he was helping me vacuum my room but when he was vacuuming under my desk, he hit the wires too hard and my comp crashed in the midst of loading the drama, and.. i chased him out of my room. gosh feel so bad... i dono why but im always so abusive with my dad and i hate myself for doing it. ok, my aim this year is to be more patient when i'm on my comp, since my mom has always pointed out when i'm playing games my temper gets realllllyyyyy short. kinda weird to me cause my temper has always been reeeaaallllyyyy good and it's not easy to make me angry. just irritated sure but not angry. on a sidenote i hate smiling at people i detest, yeah, u know who u are if i smile at you XD XD. joking.. but ya, i hate smiling at people i detest. annnddd, i hate smiling though i feel absolutely rotten inside. which is most of e time rly.. was talking with glenn abit two days ago, and he said he thinks i have depression. possibly, i think i have depression too, but i don't wanna see a psychologist (irony!! i wanna be one!).

i fell sick on the first day of school and hence skipped it. and now, i'm still recovering from it. everytime my mom brings medicine to me, i can't help but think to myself, it's not my body that needs it, it's my heart. why aren't there medicine that heals the heart? like why can't i cast repairo and my broken heart becomes anew again? i still don't know how long would it be before i can remove myself from the shadow of her memory. there isn't a moment when i'm not thinking of her save when i'm playing my comp. which is actually the reason i keep playing my comp, it acts as a repressive drug, it numbs me and stops me from thinking about her. i wish science can develop a drug that causes selective amnesia, wouldn't it be nice?

Ah, the first post of the new year, we've grown yet another year and it's a fresh start once again.

Sigh, new years always make me emo. I don't like reflecting, because reflecting means to look back on oneself and think of what you've done, however, every time I look back at myself, inevitably I'll think of the future, which to be honest, would be almost identical to the past. I haven't changed much. I've witnessed changes in the people around me, some rather drastically, others more subtly. I still feel the same old me, the me from sec 3 looking at the posting results after streaming, the me from sec 3 rushing home after the last bell, the me from sec 4 during the musical, the me from sec 4 slacking b4 the O levels, the me in PJC during PAE, the me mugging 1 wk b4 the Promos, in other words, if it isnt obvious enough, I didn't change.

There's a saying, when you're young, you can't wait to be an adult, when you're middle age, you are too busy to even care, when you're old, you start living on your memories of the past. Already I feel myself dwelling in times long gone, I don't have anything to look forward to and every day just seems like what it is literally, a day. I feel I lack the zest for life, I don't even feel like I'm living. It's more of existing. You live with an aim in life, be it to top your school, to go to a certain prestigious university, you need a goal in life. I don't even have 1, or rather, the goal I have is unattainable. Pretty much means I have no aim in life (Hence the feeling of existence).

I dun understand myself. I know I should not like her, yet I am still in love with her, I know there would not be any outcome, and yet I cannot erase her from my memory. Do you, any of you, even understand the bitterness and pain that's within my heart? I doubt so, not anyone I know, can even imagine the emotional pain I went through. You don't know what it's like to cry for hours on end. You don't know what it's like to wake up in the night sobbing your heart out. You don't know what it's like to lose faith in life. If only, you could be me for one day, just one, and feel just what I am going through, maybe I'll feel better, at least someone can empathise with me. Inevitably, some of you may think I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, come on, I'm just 17 right? Why make it sound like the end of the world? It's just a crush, you'll get over it, it's only temporary, it's only puppy love. If you even have thoughts like these, you don't know me, you absolutely don't know me. Science have proven Passion phase of love, meaning CRUSHES and puppy loves only lasts up to 2 years. Well, 3 years have passed and into the 4th. My feelings for her have not lessened. I still feel the same emotional trauma I felt in sec 2. I keep trying to convince myself, that I'll be fine being alone, that I'll be fine not having a life partner, that it's totally alright to die a bachelor, but I just can't help but feel rly disheartened and everytime I think of it, nvm..

I once had an absurd thought, since IQ is a measure of brain age over actual age, could it be that my IQ is so high that my brain is like that of a 28 year old man. Well, that's absurd, of course.

My heart, I'm rly sorry, I'm rly sorry, it's still going to hurt somemore. Maybe after crying, I'll feel better. I finally realise, the only person to wipe my tears, would only be myself. Even though it's going to hurt even more, I need to, I must leave you. When you're by someone else's side, could you think of me sometimes? You have always been on my mind in every waking moment.

It's going to be another long night... I'm rly need someone now...

i really need someone to console me now...

At last I look up at the overcast sky
And realise the only person around
To wipe my tears is myself

Now, it's better already
At least I can hate you.
I finally realise that
In the end, I'm still alone.

Sorry, sorry my heart
You will hurt a little.
I'll just cry awhile,
I'll feel better after crying.

I'm at a loss, I don't want, I don't want.
I need to hate you
It's too painful, too painful.
This period of grief you caused me,
I'll hate you to the core.

No matter how I try to erase you over and over
My heart only searches for you
I'm only left with the wound that was made because
My heart ached and ached

No matter how I try to erase you over andover
The only person that doesn't disappear is you
You know about this but why do you pretend you don't?
Tell me why you tried to leave my side

No matter how I try to throw away those memories over and over
I can't
No matter how I try hard to forget you
My eyes only remember you

Can you think of me?
At least once by someone else's side
Even if you live on
Think of me sometimes

I must have really loved you
It shows through my yearning
When I looked at you leaving though you knew I love you
It was only that I forgot for a while so come back

Come back to me
I can't live without you
I still have something I want to say
No matter how I try to send you away

I don't have the confidence to
THese feelings, my feelings, do you know them
Even if you love someone else
My heart only moves towards you

At least once by someone else's side
Even if you live on
Think of me sometimes
No matter how I try to erase you over and over
My heart only searches for you
I'm only left with the wound that was made because
My heart ached and ached

No matter how I try to erase you over and over
The only person that doesn't disappear is you
You know about this but why do you pretend you don't
I must have really loved you
It shows through my yearning
When I looked at you leaving though you knew I love you
It was only that I forgot for a while so come back
Come back to me
I can't live without you
I still have something I want to say..

Suddenly, out of the blue, I feel like doing a bioshock review. Sry if I'm rather vague since its been months since I've played it.

SPOILER ALERT!!!! Fanboys of bioshock, you will not like this review, you have been warned.











Ok, the game definitely impressed me at the start. Your plane crashes into the ocean in the middle of the night, and you are the only survivor. The game instantly shows you what it does best, water effects. And believe me, the water is GORGEOUS. It really makes you feel like jumping into it. Ok, water aside, you are supposed to swim to this island with a weird looking observatory. Once inside, the door shuts behind you and it's pitch black. Lights switch on and the first thing you see is "No Government, No God, Only Man". Scary huh. You then have to climb into a bathysphere where you are treated to a video about Rapture and you get to see the city from the outside, reminiscence of the tram ride in Half Life and Half Life 2.

Welcome to Rapture

You dock, and the game decides to scare you by showing you your first splicer killing its victim. Splicers are humans that have gone deranged due to genetic modification, and they look disgusting. So the devs decide to scare you by making it jump onto your bathysphere and proceed to cut it open. I was kinda afraid that it would get in since I have no weapon and I thought the game would start with a chase sequence. Luckily, that is not the case, anyway, you are quickly given your first weapon, the wrench (IMO, best weapon in the game). Den you get to beat the crap out of your first splicer. Next you are given your first much hyped plasmid, the electroshock or whatever. The game then teaches you the one-two punch, which is shock, and whack using your wrench. About 1 hour into the game you'll learn that apart from the fanciful effects of plasmids, there is absolutely NO use of them.

Medical Pavillion

You meet your first Big Daddy Little Sister pair, the cover picture for the game. The game makes it weaker of course, since its your first, then comes the much hyped moral dilemma, to kill or save the little sister. I chose kill of course, and the screen turns green with some weird bug sounds and when the screen clears you are holding some sluglike thing. Man, if it's even supposed to be a moral dilemma at least make the person feel bad for killing the girl!!!! Killing the little sisters net you Adam, which is the currency to upgrade yourself, which IMO, is utterly useless anyway, you just need to max out your health upgrade and that's it. Of course i totally enjoyed the first 3 hours of the game, when the guns were STILL USEFUL. After Arcadia I realised how weak guns were. I headshot them, WTH they are still alive! Nvm, another headshot, OMG THEY ARE STILL KICKING! Ok seriously its pissing me off, One more headshot, finally that splicer drops. JEEZ! I decide to go berserk and switched to my wrench. Guess what? I ran up to the splicer and whack him, and he dies! 1 hit! My point? Guns are just there for show, the wrench is all you need. Rly, and the rest 8 hours of the game I used the wrench and sprinted through the level clobbering everyone I see. Like why make a SHOOTER when the melee weapon owns the guns. The game decidedly got less and less creepy and even comical! hey, this is the game that's supposed to scare the gajeebers out of me. It even scared the PCGamer reviewer! It barely even made me flinch as I sprinted methodically through the game clobbering every goofy splicer I see.

Before long, you FINALLY confront the guy who has caused you to trudge through the rather repetitive levels killing rather repetitive enemies using the rather repetitive kill formula. Andrew Ryan. Oh boy! It's finally ending! I was expecting a tough boss fight. I inched my way to his room. Cutscene. Bla bla bla. "Would you kindly". Ok, so when am I going to fight him? The cutscene takes a twist, I'm given a golf bat and I can't control myself, I start beating him up and when the cutscene ends and I've gained control, he's dead. Er? Boss fight? Amazing, the game was easy up to now and they just made the boss so lame. Atlas screams into the radio, STOP THE BLAST SEQUENCE!!!! Fine anything to end this game... I sprinted to the controls and turned off the blast sequence. Good riddance. Oh, now Atlas reveals himself to be the true baddy, Fontaine. Great, how much more must I put up with? after a few more hours of mindless wrenching mindless splicers, I reached the FINAL boss, Fontaine. Wooooo, I was sooooo ready for a good fight. I planted mines at his seat and activated the cinematic. He jumps out..... and appears back at his seat. WTH? Omg, the game scared me for the first time, is it a bug? Dun tell me I must play through the parts I've just trudged through again! Oh wait, no, my mines were so powerful that he killed himself leaping onto them. Amazing. Wads more amazing I must fight him 3 times. The last 2 fights was equally boring. I just used the chemical thrower and repeatedly shocked him with it until he dies. Sigh LAME. And this game is supposed to be the Game of the Year? Really, if it is then I cannot imagine the other games.

After playing through Bioshock, I figured it has 1 pitfall that utterly made it boring for me.

Ans: The Wrench.

It's too overpowered, plus the upgrades you get for it pretty much makes your other weapons look like toy guns. Those who have unfortunately purchased bioshock, play it through again but this time, Fill up your combat tonics with wrench jockeys. You'll be amazed at how easily you can kill a BIg Daddy with your wrench. Equipping the wrench makes all the enemies lame, and also it takes out the scare since you just charge through the level whacking everything u see. where's the fun in that? And if you decide to use guns it annoys the heck out of you because the guns are just so weak u suspect if its firing pellets instead of bullets! Sigh, I feel so cheated by the reviews from PCGamer and IGN. For those of you seeking a better shooter, I suggest Call of Duty 4 and Crysis. They are definitely aeons better.



Sigh, feeling v sad that I can't go South Korea. No more air tickets. Sigh...

Some of you may notice i was, like derek, mysteriously missing for the past 2-3 days. Well it's because I went to his Class chalet!!! LMAO no la, I got better things to do than that.

Well I was not online because I had been watching a Korean drama from morning I wake up to 2 am when I sleep. 85 episodes. This drama was sort of like a wake-up call to me. I just cried out all my sorrows whilst watching it because I really felt for the characters as well as identify with them. (Of course, this is when my mom fell asleep on the sofa :p).

The drama made me think that I should do more with my life. It also made me feel like starting my own family next time. I mean, I never gave it much thought. It also made me have a clearer state of mind, there are many girls out there, there are definitely others who can make me fall in love with her. Though I have not met any, I think I should not seal my heart but instead be open. I mean, anything can happen, just leave it all to fate. If you're destined to be with someone, not even the 7 oceans can seperate you, no mountain can block your way. So I guess I'll just leave it all to fate. If I'm rly destined to be with her, well, then that would be great, but if not, then I should not just stay at one spot, since it would be futile, so I'm just wasting my life.

Also, I feel that I should not be playing my comp so much. Thinking if I should continue playing WoW since it's eating up alot of my time.

lao(3) tian(1) ye(2), gei(3) wo(3) ai(4) ba(4)