STATUS: Debuff, all actions -2X stamina, reduce spirit to 0.

I'm getting abit sick of this blogskin, and no blogskins online that's nice enough for me to coup, so i guess i'll just have to mod this one. Sigh, just no time to do it only..

sigh, i rly wanna be hardworking this year, and yet i'm still v slack, tutorials take so long to do, and i still have holiday homework not finished!

i rly want to see how much more of this torture i can take before i finally breakdown. they say the human spirit is easily broken, how true it is. i feel half a person already.

i think emotion is the bane of people. emotion creates problems and escalates existing ones. i can't think of one benefit emotion brings. i wish i'm emotionless.. i wish i am a flirt too, then i'll feel better. i won't be holding on for so long. and i wish, i wasn't such an extreme pessimist. haven't try i think die. sigh. actually i blog cause i got nth to do on my comp sigh........

suddenly my tagboard is alive again o.0...

school barely started and i'm buried knee-deep in homework (exaggeration). gosh, why am i suddenly faced with MATHS tutorial and CHEMISTRY tutorial? 2 of my least favourite subjects sigh. luckily, i'm almost done with chem, which is due tomorrow, and it's 8 43 pm on a sunday. hmm. great. nvm, i've always survived not doing hw.

felt so totally scammed today at sakae sushi (on no fault of theirs except a rather misleading BUFFET signboard outside their store).

i went with my "gf" (ahem ahem) to sakae sushi (if it ain't obvious). surprise surprise, there was a long queue outside (wait, long queues=buffet right?), since i wanted to eat sushi, so we decided to wait. when it was our turn, we went in and the waitress gave us menus. however, we began taking plates off the conveyor belts cause we thought it was buffet. after about 8 plates, i had a sneaky suspicion that there was no buffet cause... everyone else was ordering food. so i asked a nearby waiter and he said "no buffet on weekends". gosh, so we ordered 2 ramen and the bill was $43 OUCH. sigh, that's 10 dollars more than what i spend if i go to pizza hut!!!

i think i wun be touching sushis for awhile.... right now i just wanna eat korean food.... from korea of course, not SG fake-o korean food. currently watching another K-drama, Blissful Woman. the premise for watching it is... my fave actress is the lead actress :D. that's pretty much why i watched it :P. she's just soooo cute. but now, i find that the story is rather nice too, so its actually rly enjoyable to watch, what is not enjoyable is the extremely long load times. sigh, but one must feel contented that it's even available online right? sadly singpore has not imported the DVD, or maybe bcos the dubbed version is not out yet. patiently waiting for it now, and waiting for Love in Heaven price to drop, $100++ is too expensive.

felt abit bad today, cause i lashed out at my dad again. he was helping me vacuum my room but when he was vacuuming under my desk, he hit the wires too hard and my comp crashed in the midst of loading the drama, and.. i chased him out of my room. gosh feel so bad... i dono why but im always so abusive with my dad and i hate myself for doing it. ok, my aim this year is to be more patient when i'm on my comp, since my mom has always pointed out when i'm playing games my temper gets realllllyyyyy short. kinda weird to me cause my temper has always been reeeaaallllyyyy good and it's not easy to make me angry. just irritated sure but not angry. on a sidenote i hate smiling at people i detest, yeah, u know who u are if i smile at you XD XD. joking.. but ya, i hate smiling at people i detest. annnddd, i hate smiling though i feel absolutely rotten inside. which is most of e time rly.. was talking with glenn abit two days ago, and he said he thinks i have depression. possibly, i think i have depression too, but i don't wanna see a psychologist (irony!! i wanna be one!).

i fell sick on the first day of school and hence skipped it. and now, i'm still recovering from it. everytime my mom brings medicine to me, i can't help but think to myself, it's not my body that needs it, it's my heart. why aren't there medicine that heals the heart? like why can't i cast repairo and my broken heart becomes anew again? i still don't know how long would it be before i can remove myself from the shadow of her memory. there isn't a moment when i'm not thinking of her save when i'm playing my comp. which is actually the reason i keep playing my comp, it acts as a repressive drug, it numbs me and stops me from thinking about her. i wish science can develop a drug that causes selective amnesia, wouldn't it be nice?

Ah, the first post of the new year, we've grown yet another year and it's a fresh start once again.

Sigh, new years always make me emo. I don't like reflecting, because reflecting means to look back on oneself and think of what you've done, however, every time I look back at myself, inevitably I'll think of the future, which to be honest, would be almost identical to the past. I haven't changed much. I've witnessed changes in the people around me, some rather drastically, others more subtly. I still feel the same old me, the me from sec 3 looking at the posting results after streaming, the me from sec 3 rushing home after the last bell, the me from sec 4 during the musical, the me from sec 4 slacking b4 the O levels, the me in PJC during PAE, the me mugging 1 wk b4 the Promos, in other words, if it isnt obvious enough, I didn't change.

There's a saying, when you're young, you can't wait to be an adult, when you're middle age, you are too busy to even care, when you're old, you start living on your memories of the past. Already I feel myself dwelling in times long gone, I don't have anything to look forward to and every day just seems like what it is literally, a day. I feel I lack the zest for life, I don't even feel like I'm living. It's more of existing. You live with an aim in life, be it to top your school, to go to a certain prestigious university, you need a goal in life. I don't even have 1, or rather, the goal I have is unattainable. Pretty much means I have no aim in life (Hence the feeling of existence).

I dun understand myself. I know I should not like her, yet I am still in love with her, I know there would not be any outcome, and yet I cannot erase her from my memory. Do you, any of you, even understand the bitterness and pain that's within my heart? I doubt so, not anyone I know, can even imagine the emotional pain I went through. You don't know what it's like to cry for hours on end. You don't know what it's like to wake up in the night sobbing your heart out. You don't know what it's like to lose faith in life. If only, you could be me for one day, just one, and feel just what I am going through, maybe I'll feel better, at least someone can empathise with me. Inevitably, some of you may think I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, come on, I'm just 17 right? Why make it sound like the end of the world? It's just a crush, you'll get over it, it's only temporary, it's only puppy love. If you even have thoughts like these, you don't know me, you absolutely don't know me. Science have proven Passion phase of love, meaning CRUSHES and puppy loves only lasts up to 2 years. Well, 3 years have passed and into the 4th. My feelings for her have not lessened. I still feel the same emotional trauma I felt in sec 2. I keep trying to convince myself, that I'll be fine being alone, that I'll be fine not having a life partner, that it's totally alright to die a bachelor, but I just can't help but feel rly disheartened and everytime I think of it, nvm..

I once had an absurd thought, since IQ is a measure of brain age over actual age, could it be that my IQ is so high that my brain is like that of a 28 year old man. Well, that's absurd, of course.

My heart, I'm rly sorry, I'm rly sorry, it's still going to hurt somemore. Maybe after crying, I'll feel better. I finally realise, the only person to wipe my tears, would only be myself. Even though it's going to hurt even more, I need to, I must leave you. When you're by someone else's side, could you think of me sometimes? You have always been on my mind in every waking moment.

It's going to be another long night... I'm rly need someone now...

i really need someone to console me now...

At last I look up at the overcast sky
And realise the only person around
To wipe my tears is myself

Now, it's better already
At least I can hate you.
I finally realise that
In the end, I'm still alone.

Sorry, sorry my heart
You will hurt a little.
I'll just cry awhile,
I'll feel better after crying.

I'm at a loss, I don't want, I don't want.
I need to hate you
It's too painful, too painful.
This period of grief you caused me,
I'll hate you to the core.

No matter how I try to erase you over and over
My heart only searches for you
I'm only left with the wound that was made because
My heart ached and ached

No matter how I try to erase you over andover
The only person that doesn't disappear is you
You know about this but why do you pretend you don't?
Tell me why you tried to leave my side

No matter how I try to throw away those memories over and over
I can't
No matter how I try hard to forget you
My eyes only remember you

Can you think of me?
At least once by someone else's side
Even if you live on
Think of me sometimes

I must have really loved you
It shows through my yearning
When I looked at you leaving though you knew I love you
It was only that I forgot for a while so come back

Come back to me
I can't live without you
I still have something I want to say
No matter how I try to send you away

I don't have the confidence to
THese feelings, my feelings, do you know them
Even if you love someone else
My heart only moves towards you

At least once by someone else's side
Even if you live on
Think of me sometimes
No matter how I try to erase you over and over
My heart only searches for you
I'm only left with the wound that was made because
My heart ached and ached

No matter how I try to erase you over and over
The only person that doesn't disappear is you
You know about this but why do you pretend you don't
I must have really loved you
It shows through my yearning
When I looked at you leaving though you knew I love you
It was only that I forgot for a while so come back
Come back to me
I can't live without you
I still have something I want to say..

Suddenly, out of the blue, I feel like doing a bioshock review. Sry if I'm rather vague since its been months since I've played it.

SPOILER ALERT!!!! Fanboys of bioshock, you will not like this review, you have been warned.











Ok, the game definitely impressed me at the start. Your plane crashes into the ocean in the middle of the night, and you are the only survivor. The game instantly shows you what it does best, water effects. And believe me, the water is GORGEOUS. It really makes you feel like jumping into it. Ok, water aside, you are supposed to swim to this island with a weird looking observatory. Once inside, the door shuts behind you and it's pitch black. Lights switch on and the first thing you see is "No Government, No God, Only Man". Scary huh. You then have to climb into a bathysphere where you are treated to a video about Rapture and you get to see the city from the outside, reminiscence of the tram ride in Half Life and Half Life 2.

Welcome to Rapture

You dock, and the game decides to scare you by showing you your first splicer killing its victim. Splicers are humans that have gone deranged due to genetic modification, and they look disgusting. So the devs decide to scare you by making it jump onto your bathysphere and proceed to cut it open. I was kinda afraid that it would get in since I have no weapon and I thought the game would start with a chase sequence. Luckily, that is not the case, anyway, you are quickly given your first weapon, the wrench (IMO, best weapon in the game). Den you get to beat the crap out of your first splicer. Next you are given your first much hyped plasmid, the electroshock or whatever. The game then teaches you the one-two punch, which is shock, and whack using your wrench. About 1 hour into the game you'll learn that apart from the fanciful effects of plasmids, there is absolutely NO use of them.

Medical Pavillion

You meet your first Big Daddy Little Sister pair, the cover picture for the game. The game makes it weaker of course, since its your first, then comes the much hyped moral dilemma, to kill or save the little sister. I chose kill of course, and the screen turns green with some weird bug sounds and when the screen clears you are holding some sluglike thing. Man, if it's even supposed to be a moral dilemma at least make the person feel bad for killing the girl!!!! Killing the little sisters net you Adam, which is the currency to upgrade yourself, which IMO, is utterly useless anyway, you just need to max out your health upgrade and that's it. Of course i totally enjoyed the first 3 hours of the game, when the guns were STILL USEFUL. After Arcadia I realised how weak guns were. I headshot them, WTH they are still alive! Nvm, another headshot, OMG THEY ARE STILL KICKING! Ok seriously its pissing me off, One more headshot, finally that splicer drops. JEEZ! I decide to go berserk and switched to my wrench. Guess what? I ran up to the splicer and whack him, and he dies! 1 hit! My point? Guns are just there for show, the wrench is all you need. Rly, and the rest 8 hours of the game I used the wrench and sprinted through the level clobbering everyone I see. Like why make a SHOOTER when the melee weapon owns the guns. The game decidedly got less and less creepy and even comical! hey, this is the game that's supposed to scare the gajeebers out of me. It even scared the PCGamer reviewer! It barely even made me flinch as I sprinted methodically through the game clobbering every goofy splicer I see.

Before long, you FINALLY confront the guy who has caused you to trudge through the rather repetitive levels killing rather repetitive enemies using the rather repetitive kill formula. Andrew Ryan. Oh boy! It's finally ending! I was expecting a tough boss fight. I inched my way to his room. Cutscene. Bla bla bla. "Would you kindly". Ok, so when am I going to fight him? The cutscene takes a twist, I'm given a golf bat and I can't control myself, I start beating him up and when the cutscene ends and I've gained control, he's dead. Er? Boss fight? Amazing, the game was easy up to now and they just made the boss so lame. Atlas screams into the radio, STOP THE BLAST SEQUENCE!!!! Fine anything to end this game... I sprinted to the controls and turned off the blast sequence. Good riddance. Oh, now Atlas reveals himself to be the true baddy, Fontaine. Great, how much more must I put up with? after a few more hours of mindless wrenching mindless splicers, I reached the FINAL boss, Fontaine. Wooooo, I was sooooo ready for a good fight. I planted mines at his seat and activated the cinematic. He jumps out..... and appears back at his seat. WTH? Omg, the game scared me for the first time, is it a bug? Dun tell me I must play through the parts I've just trudged through again! Oh wait, no, my mines were so powerful that he killed himself leaping onto them. Amazing. Wads more amazing I must fight him 3 times. The last 2 fights was equally boring. I just used the chemical thrower and repeatedly shocked him with it until he dies. Sigh LAME. And this game is supposed to be the Game of the Year? Really, if it is then I cannot imagine the other games.

After playing through Bioshock, I figured it has 1 pitfall that utterly made it boring for me.

Ans: The Wrench.

It's too overpowered, plus the upgrades you get for it pretty much makes your other weapons look like toy guns. Those who have unfortunately purchased bioshock, play it through again but this time, Fill up your combat tonics with wrench jockeys. You'll be amazed at how easily you can kill a BIg Daddy with your wrench. Equipping the wrench makes all the enemies lame, and also it takes out the scare since you just charge through the level whacking everything u see. where's the fun in that? And if you decide to use guns it annoys the heck out of you because the guns are just so weak u suspect if its firing pellets instead of bullets! Sigh, I feel so cheated by the reviews from PCGamer and IGN. For those of you seeking a better shooter, I suggest Call of Duty 4 and Crysis. They are definitely aeons better.



Sigh, feeling v sad that I can't go South Korea. No more air tickets. Sigh...

Some of you may notice i was, like derek, mysteriously missing for the past 2-3 days. Well it's because I went to his Class chalet!!! LMAO no la, I got better things to do than that.

Well I was not online because I had been watching a Korean drama from morning I wake up to 2 am when I sleep. 85 episodes. This drama was sort of like a wake-up call to me. I just cried out all my sorrows whilst watching it because I really felt for the characters as well as identify with them. (Of course, this is when my mom fell asleep on the sofa :p).

The drama made me think that I should do more with my life. It also made me feel like starting my own family next time. I mean, I never gave it much thought. It also made me have a clearer state of mind, there are many girls out there, there are definitely others who can make me fall in love with her. Though I have not met any, I think I should not seal my heart but instead be open. I mean, anything can happen, just leave it all to fate. If you're destined to be with someone, not even the 7 oceans can seperate you, no mountain can block your way. So I guess I'll just leave it all to fate. If I'm rly destined to be with her, well, then that would be great, but if not, then I should not just stay at one spot, since it would be futile, so I'm just wasting my life.

Also, I feel that I should not be playing my comp so much. Thinking if I should continue playing WoW since it's eating up alot of my time.

lao(3) tian(1) ye(2), gei(3) wo(3) ai(4) ba(4)

Another emo post lol...

Oook.. This feels so deja vu. Like it's 14 all over again. Thinx only Jaye knows what I'm talking abt. Sigh, so no mood to do anything now. So what happened, I guess when u took a right turn and I took a left turn and now we're in parallel. Sigh, and I'm stargazing all of a sudden. What's wrong with that? Astro do it all the time. I don't know, cept it bothers me alot. I start thinking of weirdish stuff that makes no sense and by the second gets more and more irrelevant. It's like I have a trojan in my system that's opening lots and lots of pointless programmes just to screw with me.

I think feelings are the bane of life. True that it's the colour of a painting but a bad colouring can ruin a perfectly drawn picture. I think you can tell how screwed up my state of mind is just by reading what I'm typing, I don't even know if I'm making rational statements or just gibberish. I think I've reached "Nirvana" where fantasy and reality is merged and now I can't tell what is real and what isn't. Surreal is not the word I'm looking for. It's like walking on the line between dream and reality. FOr WC3 players, that's sth like the Emerald Dream. For layman, I guess u can say its like treading the line between life and death.

..... I can't stop myself from stargazing .....

Maybe because beyond the stars I will see heaven. Where dream becomes reality. I just want to ditch this shithole and climb out of the nightsoil. Most of the time, I'm just thinking, why can't I be someone else. Why do I have to be me and why do other ppl get to be themselves.

So, I've made up my mind
I will pretend to leave this world behind
And in the end you'll know that I've lied
To get your attention
I'm faking my own suicide

I'm faking my own suicide
Because I know you love me
You just haven't realised

I'm faking my own suicide
They'll hold a double funeral
Because a part of you will die
Along with me

I wish you thought that I was dead
So rather than me you'd be depressed instead
And before arriving at my grave
You'd come to the conclusion
You'd love me all your days
But it's too late
Too late for you to say

Because I'm faking my own suicide
Because I know you love me
You just haven't realised

Oh, I'm faking my own suicide
They'll hold a double funeral
Because a part of you'll die
Along with me

I'll write you a letter that you'll keep
Reminding you your love for me is more than six feet deep
You say aloud that you would have been my wife
Right about that time is when I come back to life
And let you know
I'd let you know
That all along I was faking my own suicide
Because I know you love me
You just never realised

I was faking my own suicide
I'll walk into that room and see your eyes opened so wide
Opened so wide
Because you know

Because you know you will never leave my side
Until the day that I die for the first time
And we'll laugh, yeah we'll laugh
And we will cry
So overjoyed with our love that's so alive
Our love is so alive

This was a triumph
I'm making a note here
HUGE SUCCESS
It's hard to overstate my satisfaction

Aperture Science
We do what we must because we can
For the good of all of us
Except the ones who are dead

But there's no sense crying over every mistake
You just keep on trying until you run out of cake
Now when the science gets done and you make a neat gun
For the people who are still alive

I'm not even angry
I'm being so sincere right now
Even though you broke my heart
And killed me

And torn into pieces
And threw every piece into a fire
As they burned it hurt because
I was so happy for you

Now these points of data make a beautiful line
And we're out of BETA we're releasing on time
So I'm glad I got burned think of all the things we learned
For the people who are still alive

Go ahead and leave me
I think I'd prefer to stay inside
Maybe you'll find someone else to help you
Maybe Black Mesa

That was a joke, Haha, Fat chance
Anyway this cake is great, it's so delicious and moist
Look at me still talking when there's science to do
When I look out there, it makes me glad I'm not you

I've experiments to run, there is research to be done
On the people who are still alive

Believe me I'm still alive
I'm doing science and I'm still alive
I feel fantastic and I'm still alive
While you're dying I'll be still alive
And when you're dead I'll be still alive
Still alive, still alive.

Was talking to my mom just now while on the way home.

She seems to know somehow my heart has been broken by a girl, so she was like telling me not to keep everything in and tell her about it. Den she said sometimes young people like to make a mountain out of a molehill. Which is true la, cause we lack real life experience. Den I told her when one door closes another door opens, so she asked me which door has opened in my heart.

Then I thought, actually, no door has opened in my heart, ever since Sec 2 I have shut out all other girls. As in not willing to get romantically involved. So I think she was hinting me not to give up on girls, which is kind of ironic, since she doesn't want me to get into a relationship just yet. Well it's true, I have always been a pessimist, I never look at things in a good way. I think its some childhood trauma haha. However, even if I should remain single all my life, I will never regret meeting her. I learnt that I will not always get what I want, and I also realised I have a rly good sister always standing by me. Not only that, my bond with my computer has also strengthened to the point I can play the whole day without feeling my day is wasted. I dun think that is a bad thing bcos through her, I realised that every day pleasures are rly just all I need, and it's all I ever want, and the best part is, I already have it. So, girls, sex, relationships, kids, romance, they can all step aside. My #1 priority now is to have a fun and full life no matter how short it is. I don't think I should be doing stuffs that irk me or to prolong my life only to make myself suffer longer. Rly, life is all about having fun. Example, why get so worried about what you eat, if ur just eating stuffs u don't like to live longer, why bother? Just eat all u want! And the ideal case of course is not to live your life based on the expectations of another. Does it rly matter how others look at you? Actually it does, if u intend to integrate wif society. But rly, if I'm some rich ass, I wun even give a damn about how I look and just hide in my house. At the end of the road, when you die, you should look back and feel that warm glow within that you rly had fun throughout your life, and the saddest thing that should happen is that u realise after having a long life that you did not enjoy it the way you should have.

Ok linking back, while it would be great if she accepted me, trust me, I'll even stop playing my computer, I know that would never happen. She's too good for me and I acknowledge that so I wun make any move, unless I'm crazy of course. Eh my thoughts are so incoherent now cause I just left off to play TF2 and now I lost my train of thought. The train went up the ferry and went far far away. Feel Soooo dizzy now, aftereffects of playing too much scout! Ok, since I forgot what I was thinking, I shall just end this post. Man, it sucks to leave things done half-way.

The deadly promotional exam is finally OVER! I think I shall analyse the papers. For those who don't want unpleasant memories to come back, then don't read on.

First day of promos was GP and Chinese. Talk about bad planning. 6 hours exam total. Writing marathon. I thought I was screwed for GP since I'm totally horrid at writing argumentative/debative essays. Also, I am an extremist, and that's not the worst, I have unconventional views. How unconventional? SO unconventional u have to walk the entire earth to find one person like me, and that's me. Ya, so those who take GP can see how unsuited I am for GP, and I dun like lying either, so I will just tell the teacher straight to the face (figuratively, since he/she will be reading it) what I feel. Ok CHinese. I nv felt any pressure in taking chinese, I guess its the BPian gift haha. Surprisingly, I survived GP, I think I can pass. Yeah, that's all that matters, PASS!!!!

Second day of exams, Physics plus GEOG!!! Physics is the one I have most confidence in, MOST probably pass, maybe can get A, not sure. Geog, Wah I rly pray its a pass, I nv prepare sufficiently. Human geog I know nuts.. Den KSL say dono anything draw some pictures, he will give marks. WOots I took his word and drew a few pictures. Glenn that selfish guy dun wanna teach us how to draw that retarded bird that attracted KSL. SELFISH! Second day was still OK.

Third day is the worst... MATHS ARGH. Though I did the practise papers, I still could not do the paper! What is the department thinking, setting such a tough paper. Compared to 2006, this is like 3 times harder... This paper, i'm confident in not passing. I rly hope there's moderation, otherwise the 2nd H2 I'm banking on is KAPUT.

4th Day, My morale was so low I was just willing the paper to be over. Also, I gave up on chemistry. SO I was just hoping the qns that come out I can do. Well, I was partially right, I think I did enuff to pass!!! WOOTS!!! I pulled through cause at the start of the paper, Ms Zhu came to my desk and talked to me! Gave me inspiration to do my chem properly! Ok that was utter crap haha, she was just telling me not to draw on my cover page. Ahhh what to do, the artist within me is just screaming to be released. Con artist that is. HAHA!! SPeaking of con artist, My fave role in TF2 is the SPY!!! Woots! Managed a team wipe today wahahha, sneaked to their backs and BACKSTABBED THE WHOLE TEAM!!! MUHAHAHA.

Sigh promos is just too traumatising, need to recuperate now...

Just a really really short post, doesn't matter if you read it or not.


Pray I can pass my promos and promote! 3 more days! Gambatte!

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO JUDGE ME BASED ON WHAT LITTLE YOU KNOW OF ME

you have barely scratched the surface of knowing me, don't try to criticize me. If you know me at least 50%, I will still listen and reflect, because it shows you have substance. Like in GP, u need CONCRETE examples and KNOWLEDGE of the subject. I can tell you, you dun even know 10% of me. No one even knows 50% of me. I can tell you that. What anyone knows of me, is what I pretend to be. Even if u read my blog and remember EVERYTHING i post, u will still not know 50% of me.

ONLY MY SIS IS ALLOWED TO COMMENT ON ME

even my parents don't know me well, so don't try, seriously, don't try.

on a side note, u said im not civic minded. To those who have been reading my blog for at least a year, and roughly rmb wad i wrote, i mentioned i am TRYING TO BE EVIL AND SELFISH. Yes, meaning, I DON'T WANT TO BE CIVIC MINDED.

Those who read for 2 years, know I posted that my friends do not appreciate what I do for them. I AM BEING A FUCKING FOOLISH NICE GUY AND FOR FUCK? ALL OF YOU CAN GO AND FUCKING KICK THE BUCKET!

So DON'T tell me about me WITHOUT KNOWING the backstory. BTW, I DON't GO AROUND COMMENTING ON PEOPLE AND CRITICIZING THEM UNLESS I KNOW THEM WELL ENOUGH. I only say such stuffs in jest, and actually, i'm not a very funny guy. I dun even like telling jokes. I dun like smiling. I dun like laughing. I just want to be LEFT ON MY OWN! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE WITH MY COMPUTER DAMN IT!

I know in this world we have to do stuffs we don't like. I smile. I laugh. I socialize. These are stuffs I DON'T LIKE AT ALL. I won't die of loneliness by being cooped up at home. As long as I have my comp.

And if u ask abt girlfrens and wives, I can tell u surely, THEY ARE WHITE ELEPHANTS. I don't need them. I don't want them. And I know this sounds v contrary to most of my posts, but I have this principle that I will only truely love one person. Since that love is used up, I shall just be alone. Ok, I hate being alone. But I RATHER BE ALONE THAN BE WITH HUMANS. DISGUSTING SHIT. I only want to be with animals. And all you people of this world should be ashamed of yourselves. My pet has better moral values than all of you added up. My point being, DON'T CARE ABOUT OTHERS UNTIL YOU CHANGE YOURSELF! You are not even a saint, so DON'T CHANGE OTHERS!

Ok, there ends my rant and my post. Don't tresspass me. Ever. Again.

I tried to convince myself that I no longer have feelings for you. I thought I had succeeded, but how wrong I was. Walked past you this morning, saw you glancing my way. I don't know if it was imagined or you did glance my way. In that instance my heart skipped a beat. That horrible feeling like the ground beneath your feet suddenly gave way and you're falling. This shouldn't happen. This should be 2 years ago and last year stuff. I think I can't lie about my feelings. They are still there and I know it. The shyness is still there, I still get fidgety when I see you, whether you saw me or not. I try to ignore you but this constant nagging thought keeps forcing me to look towards you. You did a reverse polarity in my life once, and I'm still reeling at its effect.

I'm weird. Everytime I see you online, I want to talk to you, yet I don't know what to say. I would open the chat window, and stare at the frosted glass, willing words to appear miraculously. In the end, the only thing I see is the background and that ominous flashing line, as though challenging me to type something.

I know you have your own life and I really should be going on with mine, leave the past behind me. Believe me, I tried that. Just blindly forge on, feeling my way as I round every bend. Everytime I imagine you with another guy, I get this... feeling.. Not jealousy.. Rather, this tsunami of grief and regret. I still try to laugh, smile, be a total ass, yet behind this paper-thin facade, I'm just breaking apart. Sometimes I feel so alone, like there's no one in this world but me, empty streets, empty buildings, empty sky, an empty world. I can't describe that gloominess that stills my heart everytime that happens. Like watching a movie in black and white, with still images of broken windows, bare trees, and the wind picking up leaves from the ground and tossing them in the air. The shutters of the windows bang ominously everytime I see you. The skipped beat of my heart like a sudden flash of lightning that disturbs the grey stillness of the picture.

Everyone seems to be moving on with their lives, only I'm stagnating in this mire. I try to lift my leg, the pitch black tar-looking substance holds me to my position as I watch the backs of my peers. Your back. The harder I struggle the deeper I sink, so all I can do is just stay there and wait.

What really is the true meaning of bliss? Haven't felt that in a long time. Haven't had the feeling that everything in my life is going smoothly, the feeling that life is a bed of roses. And then I try to console myself, 99.9% of people do not get their first love. And I thought, why can't I be that 0.1%?

Then I thought to myself, does it have anything to do with my attitude? If I had been more aggressive, would the outcome be any different? Given the circumstance, I think not, it will probably achieve the effect of making you dislike me even more. To the point of avoidance. Though sometimes I can't disagree that you are avoiding me. Or it could be pure imagination. I'm full of it. When life isn't what you expect it to be, you turn to your imagination to create one that is what you wanted it to be. In this sense, I think I'm blessed to have a mind capable of rendering 3D images and not just still images but motion picture and the ability to shut out reality all in the whim. Simply put, I can stone anywhere I want anytime I want and just live my life in my imagination. Wouldn't it be nice?

Proved derek wrong by not blogging abt HP7 after I read it!! Haha, Anyways, ppl should go watch THE SIMPSONS MOVIE!!! It's like many spoofs thrown into one movie. You will certainly recognize a go at Al Gore, Green Day, TItanic to name a few. And also WHO'S THAT NAKED BOY SKATING THROUGH TOWN?! Haha, that was classic man...

Oooooooook. Today went to play street soccer wif my classmates. Current classmates. Ah, ok lar, I think, cept i got 2 injuries on my right leg. First one was due to *****. I kicked the ball, he kicked my right leg. Don't know what kind of injury I sustained, but it's so damn painful I can't walk properly. Soooo.. I just sat in front of my comp after I got home. Annnd, the second one not so bad la, just broke my toe nail cos I hit the ball on it. Man, I couldn't go for CIP today because of my injury. Toenail broke nvm one, since it happens to me everytime i play soccer. But the muscle one is pissing me off. I can't even stand without wincing at the pain. Game. My mom suggested going for X-ray, but I'm too lazy to go to the hospital. If tomorrow the pain is better I will go for my 04 class outing. But if it gets worse or stays the same, its staying at home again... I think 1 wk without PE liao.... SIgh... Maybe pon school on monday also, if the pain worsens, use monday go hospital haha. Annnd, prob gonna pang seh lionel on wednesday again for squash training.

Sigh, so much to do so little time... July flew past just like that. Need to shift to gear 2 for my revision already. Got 1 year of work that needs revising haha.

My first post for July!!!! WOOTS!!! Just felt too bored to blog nowadays (weird, since if I'm bored I should blog!)

Well, then, I shall start with the class CIP. Basically, we went to this children's home, which looks like a rich children's home. Plus, it was situated in prime area. Wooo... Ok, so our jobs? Nope, nothing to do with the children (irony right?), instead, we were to WEED their garden. Woah. Sweet. Well, we were split into 2 groups, one in charge of the entrance, the other the vegetable plot. Hehe, me glenn gx lionel jonathan and tian ge were the vege plot ppl. Tiange left us half-way, so we had to make do with 5 ppl. But Tiange left a legacy. More on that later. Suffice to say, digging holes in the soil with spades to remove the weed roots was fun. For 30-45 minutes maybe. After that, it gets repetitive. Dig, Pull, Toss, Rinse and Repeat. There is some weird satisfaction derived when we see the vegetable plot barren. Yes, after removing the weeds, it becomes barren. However, there is also some (understatement) irritation when we realised we could not eliminate ALL the weeds, they were NEVERENDING! Now, back to the legacy Tian Ge left us. It was............ Drum roll....... A hoe. Not mrs hoe or her 2 gymnast sons. But a gardening hoe. So, what's a hoe used for you may ask. Well, its a WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION MWAHAHAHAHA. to weeds that is. Gardening 101, if you get pissed with green stuffs, destroy them by smashing them and tossing the soil and basically rip them to shreds. Now, that is the hoe's job. Private Glenn was charged with carrying the Big Daddy of all spades, the massive what, 5-10 kilos hoe? Well, what happened next was gory. Down went the hoe into the soil. A clean cut. No devastation yet, save for the weeds that happened to be in the way. Like how crocodiles do the death roll, well not rly a roll in this case, more like a drag or pull. Whatever. After getting the hoe into the soil, the next step was to haul it towards yourself, pulling up any weeds and stones and what have you. Then, we bent down and cleared the corpses of the weeds. It was fun doing this, but after awhile, it got boring again. SO, we got abit slacky. We just hoed the ground, flipped the soil, and buried the weeds. Neat. And so our vege plot was WEEDED.

Hehe, now we proceed to the entrance. Here's where the mass destruction begins. We weren't briefed on what to remove, and what not to. Sooooo, we were a couple of greenhorns. That isn't so bad, not until you see one greenhorn, private glenn, with the Weapon of Mass Destruction aka the Hoe. LET ER RIP!!!! well, not exactly, we were pretty docile at first, inspecting the battlefield and what the others had wrought. Our astute analysis was that things were proceeding too slowly. Hence, we got down to work in Operation "Anything that is green is gone". Our first mistake, we destroyed one shrub with flowers. I would have to claim responsibility on that, since I was the one who suggested pulling the whole thing out. But, I didn't see the flowers. The flowers were like what, 2 mm in diameter? Besides, that shrub was bear. The first casualty in the war. soooo, the girls made alot of noise about us pulling out that shrub, so we just stuck to pulling out miserable weeds. And grass. Den, one of them complained that a tree was irritating her because it stuck out like a sore thumb and keeps poking her. I took a look at that tree, and once again, deduced the tree was dead. How I know? THere weren't any leaves and the branch was grey. So, we pulled it out, root and all. We pulled.... and pulled... and pulled.. and pulled... and pulled... AND finally the roots all came out. It was SOOOO LONG!!! And it coiled up like a spring. Once again, the girls made alot of noise and insisted it was living. Amazing. So now we are "traumatised" by our insensitive destruction, so we headed for greener pastures. Time to WRECK HAVOC!! Again, the hoe does its job perfectly, destroying everything there, even a maggot. Not exactly, but glenn nearly cleaved the maggot into 2. He did dent it of course. Which is weird, since the maggot isnt made of metal so how can it get dented? Well, it sure looked dented, its body was like seperated into 2 halves with a depression in the middle, and it looked like it was squirming. Everyone gathered round. GX suggested euthanasia, putting it out of its misery. And so he held the spade above the maggot like the sword of damocles. Due to vehement protests, GX decided to spare the worm. What we did next was utterly stupid. We transported the maggot to another spot under a nice tree. Well, needless to say, the defenceless maggot became bird food. After we joined in the fray, things proceeded much faster :), thanks to mindless hoeing. At 5, everything was finished. We took a step back and admired our job. I can't decide which looks better. Before Hurricane 1SB2 got to it, or after. Before, it was one soothing patch of green. After, it was an accurate representitive of a wasteland, dotted with some shrubs left standing after the Hurricane uprooted anything green and isn't above ankle height. Brown patches of soil stood out. At least they can plant new stuffs now.

After our backbreaking labour, we went to adam road food court or sth like that to eat. There is this famous Nasi Lemak store there that glenn n lionel kept raving about. However, being a food critic, I was skeptical. I ordered what they had and bit into the food that was supposedly so good the Sultan came to eat it. My conclusion is that it was ordinary. Not disgusting or inedible but certainly not fantastic. Definitely not worth my travel time to eat it. On a side note, I preferred the Starfruit juice that I ordered. After having our dinner, we went to island dreaming I think to eat ice cream. Most of my classmates were crazy about the chocolate and were trying to snatch it, I on the other hand found pleasure in the teh tarik flavour haha. I felt it was much more soothing to the tongue and didnt taste as thick. After eating we settled down for a bit of photo taking and some games. Lionel and glenn played DJMax2 while the rest of us played Bluff. I won of course, being a natural conman.

Thus end our class CIP day. Next week we're expected back at the children's home, though I'm unsure what we're going to do. No more weeding I hope, and they probably hope no more weeding too haha.

Gone with the sands of time like
Roses withering in the winter
And the passing of Earth's fair creatures.
Crazy though it may seem
Especially if you pause to think
Why would a confession be so blatant
And naked for all eyes to see?
Nay, confessions are private and meant for
God's ears alone and no other so
Hither-to I shall stop
Unless my hand bid me not?
Insanity, I should think for
Much like the waves words can't be stopped
Irrational though it may be,
Not if you open your eyes and see for
Much a tale unfolds before thee
Yet most are too blind to notice,
Or hear nor decipher.
Nevertheless things are obvious
Lest thee still can't see over
Yonder words and incoherent sentences the meaning
Lashing out like a devil's whip?
O' me, O' humanity
View poisoned by lies and
Erroneous judgement.

She's always on my mind, from the time I wake up til I close my eyes. Though she's so far away, it just keeps getting stronger, everyday, and even now she's gone, I'm still holding on... So tell me where do I start, cause its breaking my heart. Don't wanna let her go...

My friends keep telling me, that if you really love her, you've gotta set her free. And if she returns in kind, I'll know she's mine. But tell me where do I start, cause its breaking my heart. Don't wanna let her go.

Why I live in despair? Wide awake or dreaming I know she's never there. And all the time I act so brave I'm shaking inside. Why does it hurt me so..?

Maybe my love will come back someday... Only Heaven knows...









Only Heaven knows..............................





Sigh, another bout of EMO-NESS is back.... Rite.. During my MYE somemore...

Thought of 2 lame quotes.
1) When the going gets tough, the smart steps aside and let the idiots do the work.
2) Intelligence is not the capacity to do things, rather, it is the capacity to NOT do things and get credit for it.

And... A new species of dinosaur has been found. It's called the Muggersaurus Hex, from the same family as the most well-known dinosaur ever, Tyrannosaurus Rex. This dinosaur is the first organism to wear glasses, and is said to be the smartest dinosaur that ever walked this earth. The Muggersaurus is not a herbivore, omnivore, or a carnivore. It is the most peculiar organism discovered. It eats books to maintain it's vital processes. A term for book-eating has not been coined, but I guess its called a bookivore? or maybe paperivore? Well then, a goat would most certainly belong in it too! Anyways, the Muggersaurus is also the first species of animals to be able to speak. Yes SPEAK! They can TALK to each other and actually plans what they would do. The Muggersaurus is a peaceful dinosaur, unlike the Tyrannosaurus, although they are both from the same family. However, the Muggersaurus becomes aggressive when it feels threatened. However, it is not threatened in the sense we think. Instead, it feels threatened when there is ignorance. When it asks a question and another muggersaurus can't answer, a fight would break out among them. And the fight isnt pretty. THey hurl facts at each other and try to outsmart each other! One fight can last a couple of hours! The mating ceremony is even better. During the mating season, males would compete against each other for females. The method? You guessed it, its a tri-book-a-thon. They first compete in intelligence, same way they handle a fight. Next, they would compete speed reading. They were to read 10 books in the shortest amount of time and must answer questions pertaining to the books correctly. Lastly, they would have a debate, the winner would be decided by the female. This method of choosing a mate is tedious and can take up to 6 months! It's no wonder that this species do not thrive at all. In fact, scientists speculate that they have harder time breeding than a panda! Now, after FINALLY choosing a mate, they would, of course, mate! And, well, humans get each other aroused by kissing, stripping, wearing sexy clothes, whatever. The muggersaurus is totally different! They would spend days, or even weeks just reading and reading until they get aroused. Then, they would mate. Muggersaurus are born with glasses and they can read the moment they are born. In fact, the parents never needs to look after the young, they are completely independent. What puzzles scientists most now, is that how did this species of dinosaur came about? And if there is such a highly intelligent species before humans, are there any more unknown animals with high intelligence quotient that we still do not know of? With the advent of this new dinosaur, a new theory of the Great Extinction has surfaced. Could the muggersaurus be so smart that they developed nuclear technology and start of a war that led to the deaths of the entire dinosaur race? Or maybe something more advanced than nuclear technology, something more sinister, like the ability to create black holes. We may never know how far the muggersaurus got.